


Broken Silence

by dreamsheartstory



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-02-18 23:18:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2365688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsheartstory/pseuds/dreamsheartstory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ruby's been in Storybrooke but everyone has been too busy saving the town again to notice that she's still there. </p><p>Starts at the very end of 3x22. In theory each chapter after the first should correspond with the next episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ruby couldn’t bring herself to step inside the diner and celebrate so she walked instead even though the night was unseasonably cold. Everyone was home in Storybrooke, but she couldn’t take another moment watching everyone so happy. They were all finding their way, finding their happy endings. There were no happy endings for evil creatures. Though there was for Regina, but she was reformed. Ruby scoffed, but it turned into tears.

She sat there on the curb, letting the cold soak into her bones. There was no point in trying to stay warm, no reason to care. Everyone she had loved had left her behind. The tears started to fall and for once she let them.

With each new threat the town faced, Ruby had been left to hold onto all the precious things. She had watched Henry for so long without so much as a thank you from Emma, or Regina or even Snow. She helped put the town back together when the first curse broke, organizing efforts for family to be reunited, making sure everyone was taken care of. And then, when that was all done, and they made sure her wolf wasn’t a threat, she faded away like so much background noise. No one had much use for a waitressing werewolf.

There had been a time when she was a second kin to these people, when she had been important to them. Her family, her friends. They had believed in her and she would have done anything for them. Given anything they asked, been what they needed. But no one seemed to need anything from her anymore. The purpose in her life had been ripped away.

With her face buried against her knees she heard someone approaching, someone else who was crying, though not as thoroughly as Ruby had been. Heels on the concrete, quick deliberate steps. Regina. She couldn’t feel the cold anymore, but when she moved to stand she found her joints stiff, so she stayed there, curling around herself more, fingers tangled in hair behind her head. 

Maybe Regina would just pass her by, ignore her. It wouldn’t be so unusual. It had been a long time since the mayor had stopped by Granny’s diner when Ruby was working. They used to have an easy rapport. For a time Ruby thought perhaps that Regina had returned her feelings, that their flirtation went both ways. But it was clear now that Regina only had feelings for Robin. Any chance she had was lost. Ruby pushed the thoughts aside, she could feel tears welling up again just when she thought she had cried herself out.

The foot steps stopped just in behind her. Ruby couldn’t bring herself to look up, to see the look of pity on someone else’s face. If they had wanted her around they wouldn’t have cast her aside for so long. She didn’t want their pity now. Truth was she wanted her friends back, her family, but that was impossible. She shook her head no, trying to push the desperation aside. A hiccuping sob escaped her raw throat and tears silently streamed down her face. She wouldn’t make another sound. Just go.

Ruby could smell her, it was Regina, she was sure. She didn’t have to look up to confirm it, but she could tell from her scent that she was upset as well. She felt fingertips brush back a wisp of hair, lingering over her own. Opening her clenched fist she interlaced her fingers with Regina’s for a brief moment and gave them a squeeze. Regina moved her hand, but only long enough to sit down on the sidewalk next to Ruby. Her hand moved to the back of Ruby’s neck, gently scratching and running her fingers through the hair at the edge of her hairline. 

The line of heat between them warmed Ruby slightly. It was nice, having someone to sit with. Somehow she knew they didn’t need to talk. Tonight there was something broken in both of them. A pain so deep there weren’t words to express it fully. Ruby turned her head to the side, eyes puffy and red, to find Regina watching her, make-up smeared and eyes bloodshot. She reached out an arm and placed it around the other woman’s knees, holding her in a lopsided hug. They sat there, watching each other, gaze never drifting far from the other’s eyes. Watching their souls barred, full of pain and loss and seeing it all reflected back. Two broken people.

By the time they tried to stand they were both pale with cold and stiff from sitting immobile on concrete for so long. Holding hands for warmth, for assurance, just knowing they weren’t alone for this one moment, they walked back to Regina’s empty house. Silently they made their way up the stairs. There had been no discussion, but they knew that having found each other on the street, seeing the other laid bare, neither could stand a night alone. Stripping off their damp and cold clothes they crawled beneath the silken sheets holding tight to the only living person who had really seen them.

Morning would come and broken hearts would still be broken. Friendships cast aside would not have been magically repaired. Family left behind would still be lost. Love would not be mended. But there would be a seed, of friendship, of love, that had been given a nudge. There would be an understanding, something that they couldn’t explain. Walls would be broken down, transgressions forgiven. And over coffee they would start to talk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during/after 4x01 more or less. 
> 
> I'll probably end up ignoring a lot of the canon this season if the writers don't remember the characters they've built up over the past three seasons.

 

She opened her eyes slowly.  The sheets were smooth against her skin, and the bed far more comfortable than her own. She nestled down and for a blissful moment her mind was calm. But as she became cognizant of being awake in an unfamiliar place her heart sped up. Ruby blinked rapidly trying to remember where she was. She breathed in the sheets. Regina’s. She was in Regina’s bed in nothing but her underwear.

Last night had been a mess. Yet kind of wonderful at the end. For a few moments before she fell asleep, her first night of uninterrupted sleep in months, she had felt safe. Wrapped up in Regina she had felt like things might be okay. If she had one friend she might be able to pull out of this. If she had one friend she might have a reason to.

With morning came the crush of reality. The bed was empty and nothing had changed. Though the other side was still warm, the mayor hadn’t been gone long. Ruby sunk down into the bed, pulling the covers up over her head blocking out the morning. If she could pretend just for a moment that it was still night, that the bed wasn’t empty, if she could just fall asleep again perhaps she could hold on to that feeling of calm where her head had been clear.

The harder she tried to sleep the more awake she became.

The weight of her feelings pressed against the edges of her mind. She started her morning checklist, no work, no appointments, no rendez-vous, no reason to get out of bed. Except this wasn’t her bed. And she had no clean clothes. This wouldn't be the first time she had walked home in last night’s outfit. Her head pounded and she curled up into the fetal position. It didn’t matter, Regina hadn’t kicked her out yet, hadn’t asked her to leave. She could pretend for a while longer. Pretend that her reality didn’t exist.

Coffee.

Ruby could smell it from the kitchen downstairs, which meant Regina was still here, she hadn’t left yet for work. Muscles protesting, she pushed herself upright. Her head spun. Water. She needed water. The carpet was thick underneath her bare feet as she padded to the bathroom. Each thing she touched felt of pure luxury, softer, cuddlier than life outside this house. More alive. Or maybe she was more alive than she had been. This morning hurt worse than anything had in ages but there were little things that made her smile.

Next to the sink was a still packaged toothbrush, a clean wash cloth, towel and an assortment of soaps. A note from Regina read, ‘Take your time.’ 

She drank down a glass of water, noticing it’s sweetness. The shower woke her up and relaxed her like it hadn’t in far too long. For once she didn’t find herself sat on the tub floor holding herself together. The towel was plush. How did towels even get this fluffy? She wrapped it around herself and walked back into Regina’s room. Regina had been in, the bed was made, and there were clothes laid out of the foot of it.

Not Ruby’s clothes, those were missing, tidied away somewhere. But these were clean and looked like they would fit. They didn’t look like Regina’s. She didn’t feel much like dressing, but figured it would be impolite to walk downstairs in just a towel. Instead she picked out a flannel and made her way downstairs in not much more than that, hair still damp. Despite having never before been inside the mayor’s house she felt strangely at ease. It probably had something to do with having spent the night cuddling with the woman after having wanted her for longer than she would have liked. She never imagined she would be so happy to just sleep with someone. If happy is what you could call this.

Regina had put on pajamas, purple silk. Her carefully manicured fingers wrapped around a mug of coffee and she leaned against the counter. Silently she set down the coffee and crossed the room to Ruby, pulling her into a hug. Ruby tensed. This wasn’t the Regina she knew. Then again, she never quite expected to crawl half naked into her bed without ever speaking a word either. There had been an understanding last night. Something terrible had happened to Regina. Nothing particularly terrible had happened to Ruby, it was just a day, and some days that was too much. She relaxed and wrapped her arms around the shorter woman. Hands balled into fists in the silk. She buried her face in Regina’s shoulder breathing in her scent. This wasn’t the old Regina, the Evil Queen. This was the woman who sat in her section at the diner and flirted, who cared for Henry, who had tried to make things right time and time again.

They pulled apart from their hug. Regina turned to pour Ruby a cup of coffee. She noticed how tired the other woman looked. Eyes still red and puffy from crying last night, or maybe again this morning. Regina was hunched over slightly, not standing as tall as she normally did. Maybe it was the pajamas and lack of make-up but she was missing her normal imposing demeanor. Even when Regina had said goodbye to Henry, she had stood tall. Whatever happened was the last straw, something broke, but Regina hadn’t gone evil. Instead she had saved Ruby from herself.

“Emma brought Marian back, Robin’s dead wife,” Regina leaned against the counter and sipped at her cooled coffee. 

“Fuck.” Ruby leaned against the counter next to the shorter woman, slouching just enough so that they were the same height. “I thought he was your soulmate. Fairy dust and everything.”

“Me too, but maybe things have changed. The timeline changed. Magic changed. Maybe the fairy dust doesn’t plan for time travel.”

“Maybe soulmates don’t have to be romantic or sexual, maybe sometimes they just are. ”

“Everything I thought I understood has changed.” Regina leaned her head on Ruby’s shoulder. “He was my second chance at love, and now that’s gone.”

“You have love Regina. You have Henry. And Robin does love you, I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” The words caught in her throat, and she moved to drink her still hot coffee before remembering she should let it cool. You have more love than you know.

Regina moved her head to look at the werewolf, “And yet, you’re the only one here.”

They watched each other for a moment, waiting for the other to break, to say this was all some elaborate plot or ruse, that none of this was real. The silence weighed on them, but it was real, and in it they tried to understand the things they didn’t say. Lost in each other’s gaze they tried to piece back together all the broken pieces.

Ruby sighed, breaking the silence first, “I don’t know which way is up anymore. It’s as if everyone in this town is so caught up in their own business and saving Storybrooke that they’ve forgotten about me. I feel selfish saying that. It’s a horrible thing. The town has faced so many threats, everyone has lost so much. But here I am, alone. Or was, you’re practically the first person in months to talk to me, actually talk to me.”

“Don’t be so melodramatic.”

The werewolf tightened her elbows into her side, holding the coffee just below her nose as she leaned over it. Her eyes were half shut and her shoulders hunched. If she wasn’t still trying to hold herself together she would have just slid to the floor. It took more effort that she would like to admit.

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”

“No. You’re right. It _is_ melodramatic. I don’t really believe it. I mean. I do. I feel it, but I don’t _really_ believe it. But it’s true. I– It’s hard to explain. I’ve been Red, I’ve been the Big Bad Wolf, I’ve been Ruby, and now I’m all three, except I’m not even sure who that is. I’m not myself these days.”

“No, you’re not,” Regina set down her coffee. She had never seen Ruby so defeated before. Not even when she thought that she, the wolf, had lost control and killed someone again, “To start, I don’t think the old Ruby would have crawled into bed with me last night.” Regina bumped her shoulder against the taller woman’s.

Ruby felt the corner of her lips quirk up in a semblance of a smile, “Waitress Ruby would have done so gladly and with enthusiasm,” she paused. “I did. I mean, maybe glad isn’t the right word, but I didn’t want to be anywhere else last night.”

The exchange was honest and raw. After so much silence and understanding it just came out. There seemed no reason to hide, not when they knew how their bodies fit together. But suddenly talking made things confusing and complicated. There were other people in this world aside from them. They had broken the bubble of comfort they had found. A jittery feeling bubbled up in Ruby’s chest. 

She pushed away from the counter, stammering an apology, her head reeling. She shouldn’t have said that. Should have said anything but that. There’s no way that Regina could possibly reciprocate her feelings. Last night was a moment of need and loneliness. They both needed to feel someone else’s arms. Robin’s wife was back, Regina was just trying to keep herself together. Clearly whatever she was doing was better than the things Ruby had running through her mind. Ruby was lost. “I’m sorry. I should go.” She looked down at her bare legs, pants, she would need pants. Ruby crossed her arms around her stomach, tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Ever since she started crying last night she hadn’t stopped, not really. She wondered if she ever would.

Regina placed a gentle hand on her arm, stopping the werewolf’s forward momentum, “You don’t have to go anywhere.” Ruby wanted to turn, to see the look on the other woman’s face, see if it was what she hoped to see, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Anything might make her start crying in ernest. “Thank you, for staying last night. I didn’t want to be alone. I was relieved when you came with me, to be honest. I needed that.”

Tears streamed down Ruby’s face, but she still couldn’t make herself look at Regina. Instead she nodded, and pulled one arm tighter around herself. It wasn’t the same confession of desire, but it was more than she could have hoped for. Truthfully she could use a friend right now. 

She wrapped her fingers around the other woman’s where they had trailed down her arm. Breath in. Breath out. There was a chance she could control this. If she could control the wolf inside her she should be able to do anything. But making this sadness, this bleak desperation take a step back was something she didn’t understand. It permeated everything. With the heel of her free hand she wiped the tears from her face.

“My clothes–“

“Are being washed.”

“I don’t have anything else,”

“I can stop by your apartment and pick things up, I have to go to work today anyway.”

“Is it alright if I just stay here? Until you get home tonight. Then I can go.“

“Stay. I would like to have someone around. You around.”

Ruby nodded and gave Regina’s hand a squeeze before padding into the living room and curling up on the couch underneath a blanket. 

This was a safe place, as unlikely as it was, Regina was her friend.

 

–––––––––––––––––––––––––

 

“Regina! I know you’re home your door was – Ruby?” Emma Swan stopped at the entrance to the living room, her mouth open with unspoken thoughts.

Ruby lay sprawled on the couch, bare legs poking out from underneath the blanket, the flannel hiked up exposing her midriff. A book had tumbled out of one hand and now lay on the floor just out of reach. 

For the second time that day Ruby awoke in an unfamiliar place. She found herself upright and standing on the couch, brandishing the book like a weapon, before her brain registered what was happening. Which was mostly Emma staring at Ruby because she was half naked, standing on Regina’s couch. Pants. She still hadn’t bothered with pants. At least the shirt was still buttoned, and long enough to just cover her underwear. She was at Regina’s. Half naked. And Emma was here. Part of her wondered if she should care what anyone else thought, but she didn’t want to cause trouble for Regina.

“Oh– I. Is Regina here?” Emma stammered.

Ruby stepped down from the couch. She could feel her face flush, “Uh, no. She hasn’t been back since this morning.”

“You were here this morning?” Emma looked over Ruby once again.

“Yes. But– oh! No! Not like that.” Except kind of like that. Ruby slumped onto the couch, head in her hands. “Regina let me crash here last night.”

“Is everything okay?”

“No. Are things ever really okay in Storybrooke?” There was no point in denying it. Though she doubted that Emma would press any further.

“Would you let Regina know I came by.” Emma paused, “And tell her that I’m sorry.”

Ruby nodded, “You might have to do more than that.”

“I know.” Emma slumped down on the couch next to Ruby. She turned toward the brunette, “If you’re here, would you keep an eye on her? I’m worried about her.”

“Yeah. Sure. What else are friends for?” Ruby smiled sadly. One bad thing happened and everyone believed Regina would turn evil again.

“I haven’t seen you much lately.”  
“I’ve been around.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy.”

“Yeah, with New York, and Neverland, and going back in time. I get it.” Ruby nodded one too many times and Emma gave her a strange look. She sat there letting Emma assess her. Let her think what she wants. There was little point in trying to explain what had transpired between Regina and Ruby. Trying to understand it might break it, and this one bit of security, of friendship was the last thing she wanted to ruin. There was no explaining why she had let everyone push her aside. It had happened gradually until one day she realized she was no longer one of them. Once on the outside, she had slowly fallen apart. She was used to it now. Used to being numb. Most days she couldn’t be bothered to try to find a way back in, just put on a happy face and make it through one more shift at work.

The blonde squeezed her shoulder as she stood up to leave, “Be careful.”

 

–––––––––––––––––––––––––

 

When Regina returned home her suit was filthy and she had clearly been crying again. She folded herself up on the couch next to Ruby and tried to explain the day. The snow monster. The broken timeline and the author of the book. Just another day in Storybrooke: a morally ambiguous plan and another evil person demanding vengeance.

“What about Henry? You can’t go back to being The Evil Queen, just because you’re hurting.”

“This is more than just a little hurt,” Regina snapped.

“I know,” Ruby wanted to reach out to the mayor, but she didn’t. Regina had stood up and was pacing the living room. More had happened today that she had let on.

“I don’t want to be The Evil Queen. I just want to fix the things that Emma Swan broke.” Regina clenched her fists and Ruby could feel the first vibrations of her magic. The scent on the air that was undeniably not of this world.

“Emma stopped over today, to apologize.” 

The aura of magic around Regina broke, but Ruby could still feel her anger. It was cold and pained. “I’m assuming you were dressed like this.”

“I didn’t mean to complicate things.”

“You have though.”

“Maybe you should just let things be for once.” 

“Because ignoring everything that’s wrong has gone so well for you.”

Regina stormed out of the room. After a few minutes Ruby heard the sound of running water and she lay back down on the couch. She hadn’t been kicked out, yet. Wasn’t alone again, yet. Though she kept saying things she shouldn’t, even if Regina needed to hear them. She wasn’t in a place to judge, not really, having just spent the entirety of her day on the couch attempting to read even a chapter of the book she had picked up instead of anything productive. Not even bothering to dress, or cover herself when Emma showed up. Though it might be time to do that. If Regina was still angry when she got out of the shower, she was certain she wouldn’t be allowed to hide out another night.

Slowly she made her way up to Regina’s room in hopes that the clothes were still laid out on the bed. The clothes were gone, but a large duffle sat in their place. How long had Regina intended on her staying? Of course that had been before Ruby had said all the wrong things. Not that Regina had been any kinder. The truth was, after a time Ruby had just let it all slip away, it hadn’t been a conscious decision, but that’s what she had done. And once she had started it seemed impossible to stop, she didn’t want to. It was easier than to fight her way back into people’s lives who didn’t want her. That didn’t make it right for Regina to say.

Ruby unzipped the duffle with a bit more force than was needed and half of her wardrobe spilled out. The mayor had taken time to carefully fold everything. She dug through the pile of clothes until she found a pair of black pants that were really more like leggings. The contents of the duffle were scattered across the bed. Angrily she started shoving clothes back in. Her emotions were all over the place, up then down. That wasn’t quite right, more of neutral and rock bottom, but they were swinging so quickly she didn’t know which way to look or what to think.

There was a click from the bathroom door opening and Regina stepped into the room. She smelled like lavender and sadness. Ruby froze. Regina’s anger had ebbed, but hers was still rolling. And in truth she wasn’t really angry with the mayor. She had only spoken the truth, but that didn’t change the fact that the words had stung. Regina’s hand landed lightly on her arm, that one touch saying more than words could. Stay. Don’t leave me alone. Without you here this place is empty. Please, stay.

She wanted to shake off the touch, but couldn’t think of a good enough reason to. When Regina touched her, her pulse sped, she could feel their heartbeats working out a complicated drum beat, but as much as her mind raced from the contact, it cleared. As much as her heart sped up she felt calm. With less anger than before she finished repacking the duffle and set it at the foot of the bed.

For now it would be like this between them, understanding each other better in the silence, their words mixing up things, but knowing that to the other they were on open book. A single look spoke more truth, a touch volumes. Words and voiced thoughts were still too broken, too raw, to come out right. Barefoot Ruby was just taller than Regina, which she noticed as she pulled the other woman in for a hug. Regina trembled, crying silently. Whatever had happened today had been worse than the snow monster. She pressed a light kiss into the shorter woman’s hair. They would get through this, fight their demons. They would survive.    


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during/after 4x02

When Ruby woke up it was still dark in Regina’s room. She squeezed her eyes shut. Sometime during the night Regina had pulled away, curling up on the other side of the king size bed. She shook silently. Ruby turned over and slid toward the middle of the mattress, reaching out an arm and pulling the other woman toward her. The former mayor froze, not quite breathing, not expecting to have woken the other woman in her bed. Once Ruby felt her breath evenly again, she buried her face in Regina’s hair, letting out a small sigh.

The peace between them was uneasy, but these moments were all they had. Their worlds crumbled around them and this stolen time was what kept them from turning to dust, swept up and forgotten by the passing of time. With no one else to listen their words were angry tirades, not directed at the other, but against insurmountable odds. The other just bore the brunt of their foolhardy speeches. Ruby could no more fix Marian being alive than Regina could bring Ruby back to herself. Emotions eating at them, the only thing they could control was their choice to forgive each other time and time again, to crawl into bed, and know that at least for a time, they were not alone. Sleeping side by side, pressed together, was their only solace from the storms raging in their heads.

Regina relaxed into Ruby, comforted by the gentle touches and the undemanding nature of their friendship. Everyone in town expected her to turn evil again, that any slight would turn back any changes she had made in her life. Everyone except the werewolf curled at her back. Even Henry’s message left on her cell, though he never said it so plainly, had been wary. _We’re worried about you,_ about what you might do, the words he didn’t say but she could still hear them _._ Their own safety was more important than a life ripped apart by well meaning kindness. It was too much. Once a villain she would never be anything else to these people. It would be so easy to give them what they expected. It would be so easy to wall off her emotions and break everything again. Let them fight her, let them destroy her, or let them be destroyed. It would all be over then. Regina interlaced her fingers with Ruby’s where her hand lay on her stomach. It would never be that easy.

As the first light of dawn crept into the room Ruby slipped from the bed to make coffee. She had the morning shift at Granny’s. In the silence she made her way to the kitchen. It was eerie and calm in Regina’s house, which was so large Ruby felt like she was wandering through a mansion. The quiet couldn’t hold back the thoughts in her head and for each moment she felt normal another thought pressed into her consciousness, crushing her resolve, making her question if today would be okay.

There had been a moment, coming down the staircase, where she had felt the comfort of something that could be routine. A simple thing that would be nice. Soft carpet underneath her feet and the aromatic coffee she knew would soon be wafting through the halls. Then her checklist had come back to her, even though she had already crawled out from underneath the covers and the most comfortable bed she had ever slept in. Morning shift at work. Explaining her absence from her room at the inn to Granny. Avoiding the disappointment either for the lie or the truth, either way Granny would not be pleased. She could smell a lie, and the truth would only be used against Regina.

She couldn’t let that happen. Though everyone probably already knew. Emma wasn’t known for being the best secret keeper and things like this had their way of getting out in Storybrooke. Regina had been the only person to show her an ounce of kindness in far too long. Maybe that was harsh or untrue, but that is how it felt. Not waiting for the coffee to finish brewing Ruby crawled back into bed with Regina, curling around her side and pulling the covers up over her own head.

The suffering was worst in the morning. She hadn’t had time to reckon with the jury in her head, push it aside so she could face the day. On the worst days she found herself back in bed, or lying on the floor, eyes tight shut, willing her existence into something else. She felt Regina’s fingers tangle in her hair, her hand coming to rest as her thumb caressed the soft bit of skin behind her ear. Ruby’s heart ached and it was hard to breath, but the tears wouldn’t come. She clung to Regina, too tightly, her fingers digging into soft tissue, but she couldn’t loosen her grip, if she did, if she relaxed, she would break apart. 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

She breathed out.

__________________________________________

 

“One hot chocolate, with cinnamon.” Ruby said as she placed the mug in front of Henry. She couldn’t have helped over hearing his conversation with Emma about Regina. The diner was practically empty. She really hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but she was worried. 

All day she had been worried. It was exhausting. Granny had lectured her for almost an hour as they prepped to open this morning, then guilted her into working a double. She couldn’t bring herself to tell Granny she had been staying with Regina. Whether it was because she didn’t believe her grandmother would understand or she didn’t want to risk complicating things further she didn’t know. Instead she let Granny yell, shutting down the voice in her head that told her to yell back, to just tell the truth and explain it all. She couldn’t put that on anyone else. Everyone had enough to worry about with out adding a mentally unstable werewolf to their list. Even Regina had yet to discover the extent of it all. Ruby pushed the thought aside. There was no time to think about any of that now. Not with a job to do, and a sad teen at her counter.

Regina had told her about the note she had sent to Henry the day before. They had been hiding out in her house, Ruby mostly slept, but she knew Regina had been working on things. It was so very easy to lock yourself away from the world when you had no need to go out. For that one day nothing had been sharp or jarring. The world and all the emotions in it had felt soft, manageable. No one had bothered them, their cell phones pointedly on silent. But all it took was Regina listening to one message from Henry and they had to face that life existed beyond the walls of the house. There was a world beyond their bubble of comfort.

She had sent the bird at Ruby’s encouragement. By the time Regina had played the message for the third time Ruby had heard every word. She could hear the fear in Henry’s voice that he would be left. Having spent so much time looking after him growing up, Ruby was fond of him. And both his moms had a way of shutting everyone out when life got tough. This hadn’t been what she had meant to happen.

Henry gave her a half hearted smile as his hands wrapped around the mug, “Thanks.” 

She wanted to tell him Regina wanted to spare him having to see her broken. That she knew he was safe and life just hurt too much. It wasn’t her place. Instead she had made him hot chocolate. What else could you do for a thirteen year old boy?

“Don’t give up on her.” Henry didn’t even look up, he just shrugged.

Emma caught Ruby’s attention from across the diner, waving her over. Something in the way she looked at Ruby made her wonder what conclusions she had drawn about the other day. Certainly Ruby’s state of undress had helped shape whatever assumptions Emma had made. The look on her face was not entirely friendly.

Emma pulled her into a booth, glancing over at Henry before she leaned in and whispered,” Are you still staying at Regina’s?”

“Yeah, why?” Ruby leaned back and tried to keep her face neutral.

“What’s going on over there? Is she okay?”

“No. It’s not really my place to explain.” She made as if to stand up but Emma kept on.

“Why doesn’t she want to see Henry?”

“It’s–“ Ruby started by Emma continued angrily.

“But she’s fine with having you around.” The blonde seethed. 

“–complicated.”

“Why you?”

“Because I understand.” Ruby looked down at the table. Her heart was in her throat, she couldn’t swallow and she was afraid to breathe. There was no way to discretely explain how utterly broken she was, and how, if even temporarily, Regina had fallen prey to a similar despair. This was not her secret to tell. Even one more word felt like a betrayal. No one could know. Her hands shook, and she clasped them in her lap, hoping to hide it tremors from Emma. If she looked normal, if she could act normal, if she could stop this scream wanting to rip from her throat, then maybe she could make it through this conversation. She could retreat to the back of the kitchen and collect herself.

“Are you okay?” Emma’s voice had softened. Ruby risked glancing up and was met with a look of worry.

“You asked me that the other day,” she tried to smile, but it was forced. She wanted to get up and run, hide, anything to not answer that question. There was no way she could put together a semblance of an acceptable answer right now. Today had been too long and she was past exhausted.

In that moment the entire town went dark.

__________________________________________

  

There was a basket filled with chocolate and red wine on the table when Ruby got back from her shift at the diner the next day.

“You have plans tonight?” She flicked through the chocolates before grabbing one of the bottles and a couple of glasses from the table. Slipping off her shoes she walked across the living room and settled in on the couch opposite Regina. “You know the girl with the ice magic that knocked out the power? She was in the diner today.” Ruby set the glasses down and started work on opening the bottle of wine. It felt almost normal. “She seems so scared of what she is–“

“Henry came by today.”

Ruby set down the bottle and turned to face Regina, “That’s good though, right? He seemed so upset yesterday.”

The former mayor kept her gaze fixed on the far wall. It tore at her to think of asking Henry to stay away. The idea that, if for a time, he would be better of without her ate away at her. She was his mother, she should be enough. But as she was she was no use to anyone. Her emotions were still burned too brightly like a star burning up. Each kindness brought tears unbidden to her eyes. She was unused to feeling weak. It had been too long since she had let herself be this vulnerable. “Yes.”

“You don’t sound so convinced. You can’t shut him out. He’s your son.”

“Says the woman who doesn’t speak to her own grandmother unless she’s at work. Did you tell her you’ve been staying here? Don’t think I didn’t hear her yelling at you on the phone yesterday.”

“No. That’s not–“

“Or her best friend.”

Ruby slumped into the couch, folding her arms across her stomach. “Yes. So I should know exactly how bad of an idea shutting people out is. It becomes even more impossible to let them back in.”

“He’s coming over for dinner tonight.” Regina sat up and poured a glass of wine for herself. 

That simple declaration changed so much, reminding Ruby that this house was not hers, this safe haven belonged to others, “Should I go?”

“No,”  she poured a second glass for Ruby handing it to her as she sat back on the couch. “He knows you’re here. It seems he overheard Emma telling Mary Margaret about finding you on my couch.” She took a large sip of her wine.

“Does he think we’re?” 

Regina almost smiled at that, “I often have no idea what that boy is thinking. But you should probably keep your pants on at the very least. Because that isn’t what is going on. We barely do this,” she gestured between them, “We don’t talk. Not well. You’re–“

“Just a heartbeat and a warm body,” Ruby offered sadly taking a sip of wine to avoid looking at the other woman as she said it. Regina reached out a foot and prodded her leg to get her attention, shaking her head no. Ruby didn’t look up.

“Everything has felt different since you brought me home. It’s all so much bigger. All my emotions. I can’t control it like I used to. As painful as it’s been, I think I’m alive again. So please don’t start shutting people out, don’t shut me out. You’re my only friend.”

“There you go, being melodramatic again.” She set down her empty wine glass and looked over at the werewolf who was clearly brooding into hers. It wasn’t her intent to shut people out. Regina was out of practice, having friends, building relationships was something she didn’t do as The Evil Queen. Living up to people’s expectations of her had left little time for living. These past few years had changed her. She needed to bring Ruby back down to earth, ground her in something real so she stopped being a flight risk. “You know, you left bruises on me yesterday morning,” Regina said. The corner of her mouth turned up in a simpering smile.

A small smile flicked across Ruby’s face but was quickly replaced by a look of uncertainty, “I-I’m sorry. I just couldn’t stop. If I let go, I was afraid I was going to fall apart. The way Regina had said it made her want to smile, to be proud, as if her marks had come from anything other than clinging to life. The part of her that was in constant flight mode had pushed the apology from her lips, the wolf and the broken girl in a constant battle for control.

“You’re always tensed to flee, you used to tense to fight. You’re safe here with me, Ruby, relax.” Regina reached out, gently tipping Ruby’s chin so their eyes met, “And don’t be sorry for taking care of yourself. That comfort was something I was willing to give. If I didn’t want you to mark me, you would have known. Truth being, the feeling of your fingers digging into me made me feel alive.” 

She took Ruby’s empty wine glass and set it with her own before filling them back up. As she sat back on the couch she slid over to sit closer to the other woman. Ruby’s arm draped across the back and she let her head lean against it as she tucked her feet underneath her, relaxed.

Ruby took a sip of her wine, attempting to take in what Regina had just said and that now she was sitting close enough to feel her heartbeat. The wine was making her head light, or maybe it had been something in what the other woman had said. _Given willingly. Alive._ She was appreciative of Ruby’s marks.

Today had been a heady mix of life almost feeling right and the emotions rolling through her head trying to rip that away. Despite having seen Emma, Mary Margaret, David and the new person in town, Elsa, she had made it through the interaction without incident. Though she had need to ignore Mary Margaret refusing to look at her, and Emma’s alternately angry and worried glances. The only person who had really talked with her had been Elsa. Talking with her had allowed Ruby to feel normal. It was exhilarating to feel normal again. Not happy, not okay, but normal enough simply because Elsa had no expectations of Ruby. The waitress didn’t feel the need to put up a front. She could just be. And she recognized something in Elsa that she saw in herself: alone and afraid of who she was, what she was. That was something Ruby remembered all too well.

Then now, Regina was running hot and cold with her. One moment caustic, then bordering on teasing, the next snuggling closer and plying with more wine. It was not out of the ordinary for their rapport to run like this, though nothing about the last week had been truly ordinary. Compared to the last few months she felt like she was on vacation. She hadn’t slept this well in longer than she could count, not this consistently. It had been too long since she had another person in her bed, someone that stayed, warm and comforting beside her.

She turned to look at the other woman whose head was still resting on her arm. Her eyes were closed and her wine half gone. Ruby shifted so she was facing Regina, watching her breath, feeling her heartbeat. This was a first, contact when neither of them was falling apart. They were simply enjoying each other. Watching Regina’s chest rise and fall with each breath she felt some of her old feelings rise up. Finally a moment when her mind wasn’t screaming for quiet and it wouldn’t leave well enough alone.

Her eyes had wandered from watching Regina breathing to her lips when the other woman opened her eyes. They watched each other and each second drew out impossibly long. Ruby’s pulse thudded in her ears. And maybe it was the wine, but when Ruby leaned forward she sensed Regina did too. 

The door opened and closed loudly. “Hey Mom! I’m here.”

Whatever might have happened was pushed aside. Tonight would be about family. Ruby sighed, running her fingers through her hair and Regina stood up to greet Henry, as if nothing had happened. Nothing had happened. Not really. It was the wine, that simple. Ruby pushed her feelings down, away from the front of her mind. She couldn’t do anything to jeopardize her place here. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she needed this. Needed someone who would give her what she needed to survive, to sleep at night, to get up in the morning. She needed Regina. So it would be like this between them. Keep to yourself, except when we don’t. There was nothing simple between them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place around 4x03.

Her knuckles were white from gripping the edge of the bathroom sink as she leaned over the counter. She stared into the reflection, intent on it, not recognizing the woman staring back at her. The reflection did everything she did, biting her lip, pursing her mouth, tilting her head, but in all its familiarity it didn’t seem right. It looked like her but something was amiss. She stared into eyes that looked like her but felt utterly unfamiliar.

Today had been exhausting, a mentally draining exercise in pushing herself to smile and engage when she wanted little more than to curl up and lose herself in a book. For a time it had been okay, she had felt like she could just make it through as the day drug on, but as each hour felt longer than the last, she felt her resolve slip. Nothing had been wrong, it was too much to just be normal for once. Though like the rest of it she knew this feeling too would pass. Everything was transient. A blessing and curse.

She quirked her head to the side, running her fingertips along her cheekbones, across her brow, down her jaw. Her brown hair was slicked back from her face, damp with water from the shower. None of it felt right, it didn’t feel like her. She had looked up as she finished dressing for bed and not quite recognized the face looking back at her. Tonight wasn’t the first time it had happened but every time it came as a shock.

Grabbing a towel she started to dry her hair. She closed her eyes she hoping that the face she saw would be hers when she opened them again. Inside her felt empty. As if all her emotions had been swallowed up by a blackness. There was no further down she could go. Tears rolled down her face. Her chest constricted. Something had snapped in the back of her mind.

“Ruby?”

She pitched forward feeling light headed and let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Her fingers threatened to break the stone of the counter top. 

“Are you okay?” Regina took a hesitant step into the master bathroom.

“Everyone keeps asking me that,” Ruby almost laughed and opened her eyes, at least the face in the mirror was hers once more. She turned to Regina, placing a smile on her face that never reached her eyes. “No, but you know that.” Ruby felt so far from even okay these days. She knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know how to fix it. Everything was so mixed up in her mind sometimes. “I just don’t feel like me. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t see myself.” She glanced again at the mirror, bracing herself for what she might see.

“Come here.” Regina took Ruby by the hand and led her into the bedroom. She led her to the bed and Ruby let the other woman sit her down. It was easier to just go with it, that way she didn’t have to think. Thinking was where all her problems started. Regina took the towel from her and gently dried her hair. If she just stayed put, just let herself feel Regina’s hands working on her, for a moment she could feel normal. Not okay, not fine, but a little like herself. There was a moment where she felt that maybe being okay was a possibility. She had felt that recently, but maybe those feelings had been a false hope or she had only imagined them. This would all pass though, one day it would be over. But no, she felt empty.

If she could forget all the pain in her past. She had forgotten once, not so much forgotten, the memories had been replaced. The woman behind her had given her a life, a second chance. But this was the end result of that second chance. She had let it all slip away, ruined it, spent too much time in her head going over it all. How Snow, despite being her best friend, had been instrumental in the death of Peter and of her mother. How Belle had all but forgotten about the one person who had reached out to her when she first came out in Storybrooke now that she had Rumpelstiltskin. How David was so wrapped up in his family that he couldn’t see what was happening beyond them. And how Ruby wasn’t their family anymore. Her past had been dark with brief shining moments where life threatened to be good, but her future seemed bleak. 

The wolf would come again and she would have to run. Before she could control it, she could control anything. The pain, the depression, was nothing, it would eat an hour or two of her life and pad away to the back of her mind, a constant companion. She could see the things she needed to do and perform them with flawless accuracy, a deft dance with reality. Never quite there, but always ahead of the despair. It would catch her off guard sometimes, but could always be reined in, boxed up. Not so much since the flood gates broke. The senseless void had sucked her up and she couldn’t stop crying. She felt everything. And nothing. Nothing most of all. It was all too much beyond her. She wanted to let everything go, curl up and never move again. In that void was all that she had left. Nothing. A hole where her heart had been.

“Ruby?” Regina placed her hands on the shivering girl’s shoulders. “Come back to me.” She moved her hands up and down the werewolf’s arms, feebly trying to warm the normally hot blooded girl. Ruby turned slowly to look at the other woman, her eyes dark and hollow, tears streaming down her face. Regina moved in front of Ruby, slowly working to unclench the other woman’s hands. Small bruises blossomed across Ruby’s palms in half moons. Ruby watched, lost. Regina brushed tears from her face with the pad of her thumb.

“Where are you?” She tucked a strand of hair behind the other woman’s ear, following Ruby’s gaze trying to maintain eye contact. She had never seen Ruby shut down so completely and it worried her. Even that night out on the curb Ruby had felt more alive than this. She had pulled away into herself so much that Regina felt she was sitting next to a shell, instead of her friend. Worry pulled at her gut. It was in that moment she understood how much Ruby had started to mean to her. Ruby was her friend and that felt like a rare thing indeed. 

Regina traced the edges of Ruby’s face with her finger tips, softly brushing across her cheekbones and jawline, taking care to smooth back stray strands of still damp hair. She hoped she could do something to chase away the hollowness in those brown eyes, wishing she could see the flash of yellow that meant the wolf was alive. That meant the woman before her was ready to face anything.

“The weight of it all is too much.” Ruby said, her voice taut. “It’s all jumbled up in my head. All the deaths I’ve caused, the losses I’ve endured, and then my memories of not knowing. I was at peace.” She lay down, curling up her long legs in front of her. “Even if I was unhappy for other reasons it wasn’t this. I wasn’t a pawn in someone’s game. I wasn’t someone who could be set aside. I had agency. I don’t know if that was me or not, but it was. Those memories are real. How do you look at all the things you’ve lost and not fall apart?”

“I look at all the things I’ve gained.” Regina lay down on the bed, mirroring Ruby. She reached out a hand and slowly entwined her fingers with the other woman’s. She placed a kiss on the back of her hand. “And I do fall apart. You’ve seen me fall apart. The worst of it. My years of downward spiral after my mother killed Daniel. That ended in the first curse. I was lost. I was vengeful. Then again the night you came home.

“I lost the man I loved, too. I think I’ve lost Robin as well. I’ve lost my only friends. My mother did more to decide my fate than I realized, until it was too late. I never thought I would find happiness again. And I know what you have been through is not the same, but I think we understand each other more than we could have imagined. Our lives have not been easy.” 

Ruby nodded silently, curling up tighter. Her mind trying to work through what Regina was saying. She had a hard time fighting through the void in her head. “No. They haven’t. But you’re working to be good, I feel like I’m slipping away. If I just let go a little more I would be everything everyone always feared I was. It would be so easy to just let go. So what if this is it? What if I’ve lost my control? I can’t hold my emotions together anymore. I’m afraid I’ll never get better and something terrible will happen. Even more, I’m afraid I won’t care if it does.”

Regina took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “We all have darkness in us. Some more than others. But we choose how and when we tap into that. You are not this, Ruby. I won’t deny that you have darkness in you, but this is just a season, it _will_ pass.” She said as she lay her hand against the other woman’s cheek. “Let’s go to bed, things will look different in the morning.” With a deliberate tenderness she coaxed Ruby under the covers and tucked her in. She turned off the lights and slipped into bed behind Ruby, curling up around her. She buried her face between the taller woman’s shoulder blades, placing a small kiss on the bare skin and wrapping her arm around the other woman’s waist. Ruby didn’t say a word, but Regina felt the tension fade from her as the troubled werewolf finally relaxed.

_________________________________________

Granny cleared her throat and folded her arms across her chest as she stepped into Ruby’s path, blocking her from entering the kitchen. The diner was empty except for them and the morning had been painfully quiet. Ruby had woken up in a much better place than she had gone to bed in. What had started to break in the past few weeks had shattered. The walls in her mind that she had so carefully erected had toppled for no reason last night. Maybe she had built them too high. She felt vulnerable and exposed, but there was also an unexpected lightness. A glimmer of hope had seated itself in the back of her mind.

Granny tapped a wooden spoon against her arm impatiently. “It’s time you told me what’ you’ve been up to.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ruby lied. 

“It’s incredibly inappropriate to be absent from your own bed every night. Your things aren’t even in your room anymore.”

“Granny!” Ruby couldn’t believe she was having this conversation or not having this conversation if she could help it. “It isn’t like that. I’m not– I’m not sleeping with anyone if that’s what you’re so worried about.”

“So you’re not staying at Regina’s every night?”

“What? I am not sleeping with Regina.” Which may or may not have been a truthful declaration depending upon your meaning of sleeping.

“I hear about everything that happens in this town. About how you’re lounging around half-naked on the Evil Queen’s couch.”

“I’m staying at Regina’s, okay?” Ruby sighed. Between Emma and Mary Margaret it had only been a matter of time. “Can I finish getting ready to open now?” Ruby stepped to move past Granny and into the kitchen, but the her grandmother wouldn’t budge. 

“What would possess you to do such a thing? You do remember who she is?”

“It isn’t up for discussion.”

Granny pushed past Ruby and into the front of the restaurant. “You’ll be moving back home tonight,” her tone left no room for argument.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I can’t protect you from whatever attacks this town next, if you’ve gone willingly into the arms of the Evil Queen. We had a snow monster running down main street the other day!” 

“She is not evil! And I’m not in her arms!”

Granny opened her mouth to respond, but Ruby cut her off, “No. This is not up for discussion. I am an adult. I am capable of making my own decisions. In case anyone has forgotten who I am, I am The Big Bad Wolf. I can take care of myself.” Ruby pushed past her grandmother and into the kitchen, her words had been more sure than she was. That was not how she intended this conversation to go. Her tiny bubble of stability faltered. She had kept her grandmother at arms length for months now, trying to hide how she was slowly falling apart. She had done so all too well and felt it would be nearly impossible to explain now. 

The clatter of metal on metal echoed from the kitchen.

_________________________________________

“Are you okay, Ruby?”

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno, you just seem sad, that’s all.” Henry looked down into his hot chocolate, not wanting to upset Ruby anymore than she already was. As much as he was angry that his mom had told him to stay away from his own house when she had been welcome, he still considered Ruby a friend. They had spent a lot of time hanging out with her over the past few years. Well, he had spent a lot of time being watched by Ruby and she played a wicked game of Mario Kart, so it was kind of like hanging out.

Lately he’d been spending time at the diner again, anything to avoid learning more about babies. He liked watching the people of Storybrooke, and sitting in the diner he could keep up on everything that was going on in the town. Ruby was, what his English teacher would call, melancholic. It wasn’t all the time. She had seen happy at dinner the other night. This afternoon was different.

She would move from table to table, smiling and making small talk, but never talking for too long. Not like she used to. The smile that would light up her face was gone, the one she wore barely reached her eyes. He didn’t like seeing her like this. Ruby was The Big Bad Wolf she shouldn’t seem so deflated.

Henry heard the bell on the door ring as someone came in, but he didn’t look up. He was busy paying attention to Ruby and trying to figure out what was wrong. Ruby looked up from her table to see who had entered, a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. She stood a little straighter and he heard her laugh. As she turned to walk back to the counter he swore he saw her skip.

“Henry,” his mom slid in next to him at the counter.

“Hey, Regina,” Ruby leaned on the counter opposite him and Regina. “The usual?” 

Regina nodded in reply and the waitress set to work making the coffee and trying not to smile. Henry had been right, she had been in a mood since this morning after she an Granny had fought. It was like she had so little control over what she felt and it was all too close to the surface. She could put on a mask and get through the day, but too much bled through. Seeing Regina had reminded her how light she felt and the glimmer of hope buried deep down that was starting to shine.

With a smile that spread wide across her face she brought Regina her coffee and went back to work, leaving the former mayor to pour over comic books with her son. 

“What are you so happy about?” Granny asked through the kitchen window.

“Huh?” Ruby wasn’t about to mention Regina, or how she felt, or the million other things running through her mind. At any moment this fleeting feeling of calm could be gone and she could find herself overwhelmed again. It would take time to learn again how to accept emotions instead of letting them rule her. She just hoped she hadn’t lost all her control. The full moon was coming soon.

Granny stuck her head through the window to see who was sitting at the counter. She frowned, “No one smiles like that at someone they aren’t sleeping with.”

Ruby risked a glance back at Regina, hoping that no one had overheard. Her face flushed red. “I am _not_ sleeping with her.” Though deep down, a part of her wished they were, she tried to push that thought away. It would do no good to try and it would only ruin what they had.

_________________________________________

That night Ruby had been reading on the couch when Regina came in. She had stepped out of her heels and shed her vest, leaving a trail of clothes in her wake on her way to the living room. Her eyes were red. Silently she had lifted up the blanket and crawled underneath, resting her head on Ruby’s shoulder. The taller woman shifted slightly, wrapping her arm around Regina’s midsection and pulling her close. She set down her book and relaxed back into the couch, her head resting on the top of Regina’s. 

They remained there for a time letting the silence envelope them. Ruby ran her thumb along Regina’s arm. For a moment she thought they might fall asleep there like that, but the other woman still hadn’t relaxed. She could feel the energy tightening muscles trying to hold together. Small pained sounds would escape her throat as if she were trying not to cry. Ruby wished she could fix whatever had happened and take away the hurt. Regina had been so happy sitting at the diner reading comics with Henry until Robin had shown up. So much could happen in only a few hours. 

All too often it had been Regina holding Ruby together. She tried to remember what the other woman had done, anything that might give her a bit of comfort. She swept her hair back, slowly running fingers through it, her fingertips massaging Regina’s scalp. Placing a light kiss on the top of her head she let her forehead rest against the back of the other woman’s head. It would be so much easier if she knew what the former mayor was thinking. If she could even begin to guess at what had happened. But this was Storybrooke, and she wasn’t exactly in the inner loop anymore. It could have been anything, but if she had to guess she would say something happened with Marian and Robin.

“So, my gran thinks we’re sleeping together.”

Regina pulled away to turn and look up at Ruby, “You set her straight of course.”

“I tried,” Ruby shrugged and tried not to smile. “You know how she gets when she believes something.”

“She is impassioned.”

“I just wanted to let you know, in case rumors get out. I didn’t want to make things any more complicated.”

The dark haired woman leaned back, “You won’t be the one to make things complicated. You are possibly the least complicated part of my life right now.” Regina intertwined her fingers with Ruby’s.

Ruby breathed in Regina’s scent. She smelled like lavender and heartbreak. The werewolf nosed the back of the other woman’s neck, hiding her face. “What happened today?”

“Someone put a freezing curse on Marian.”

“Elsa?” Ruby asked, worried that she had read the girl wrong.

“No. It seems we have another ice witch in town.”

“Fuck. Will she be okay?”

“For now. The ice kept Robin from waking her so I took her heart. Until we can find a way to break the curse she will remain frozen,” she paused. “I have to find a way to wake her up, I can’t let Roland lose his mother twice.”

Regina continued on, explaining Robin’s confession over Marian’s cold body. He had confessed, in an indirect way, his love for her. The trust he had in her to bring Marian back, even though in the end it would do her no good. Regina pressed her face against Ruby’s arm. “I don’t know what he expects of me. He’s made his choice, why tell me he thinks True Love’s Kiss failed when he won’t leave her?” It was kind and cruel. It was the truth but at what expense?

“I don’t know anymore. The fairy dust said he was supposed to be my soul mate.”

“Magic isn’t infallible. There always seems to be a loop hole.” Ruby ran her fingers through Regina’s hair, holding her tight.

“Villains don’t get happy endings. Don’t you know that.”

“You aren’t a villain, Regina. Not anymore.”

Regina turned to look Ruby in the eye, needing to see the expression that came with those words. It was times like this when she believed just for a moment that maybe she was doing enough to prove to everyone that she wanted to not be evil. That maybe people saw her and not just The Evil Queen that they feared for so many years. Mostly, the people who believed her were people who loved her, Henry, Robin… Ruby. Their faces were inches apart and Regina watched the other woman hold her breath.

She had never expected Ruby. That night Emma brought Marian back she had expected to go home, cry, drink. She had expected to be alone. But Ruby had been sitting there, falling apart. The waitress who had always been kind, had always helped with Henry, had never feared her the way the others did. She had never had the same hatred in her eyes that the other townsfolk did. There was something familiar in her pain and so she had stopped. Regina had sat down and done the only thing she could. Let the girl know she wasn’t alone.

She had never expected Ruby to stay. She had never expected to want her to. She had tried not to think about their situation too much. If she did she would have to label it. Most friends don’t sleep half naked in each other’s bed. There was no doubt that Ruby was her friend now. The earnest kindness on her face as she watched Regina watch her was honest. Ruby’s lips parted and her tongue darted out to wet them, her teeth caught on her bottom lip. There was more between them than friendship.

If she could only stay still things could remain the same. She would have her friend, she could rebuild her heart. She could work with Henry to find the author of The Book and ask him to write her a happy ending even if that happiness didn’t involve Robin. Let him be faithful. Let him have his family. There was a woman in her arms that had never asked anything of her. And for now, maybe that was enough. 

Tears rolled down her cheeks and Ruby wiped them away with the pads of her thumbs, holding Regina’s face lightly in her hands. Ruby leaned forward, pressing her lips against Regina’s forehead before pulling her close. She moved so she was seated in Ruby’s lap, her head on the other woman’s chest. Their legs and arms entwined, holding each other together. And maybe it would be enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place around 4x04, not that there was much to pull from, so we're going off on our own adventure.

“We should go upstairs,” Regina whispered.

“Ssshhhh.”

“There’s a giant bed,” she protested.

“Ssshhhh.”

Ruby lay down onto the couch pulling Regina down with her placing a kiss on top of the shorter woman’s head as she did so. They had fallen asleep sitting up hours ago and she didn’t want to have to think about waking up enough to get herself up the stairs. She didn’t want to let Regina go. Her heartbeat was the only constant in her life right now; she needed to feel it strong beside her. Regina relented and snuggled down between her legs, her head resting on the taller woman’s chest. Ruby pulled a blanket from the back of the couch on top of them.

It was light again when Ruby woke up to the smell of coffee and pancakes. Regina’s weight and warmth was missing. She frowned for a moment before finding her feet on the floor. There were clothes scattered there, her pants, her bra, her shirt, Regina’s pants and bra. The night before came back to her, half asleep and stripping down so they could get comfortable, feeling the comfort of skin against skin. Regina had helped her off with her shirt. It had taken most of her will power to keep from kissing her. She could still feel the want. Pressing a fingertip to her lips she imagined what it would feel like to really kiss Regina; she ached at the thought of it.

Reaching for her shirt she stood and stretched, letting the feeling wash over her. As she made her way into the kitchen she pulled the shirt over her head. Regina was standing at the stove in a button up with only two buttons done up and panties. Her legs were lean and muscled, a fact of which Ruby had never really been in a position to admire before. The scene was so domestic a grin crept on to her face. Never would she have imagined waking up to Regina Mills cooking pancakes in her underwear.

She let herself lose herself in a reverie, imagining what it would be like to see this every weekend. Getting to walk up and kiss the nape of her neck just below the messy bun that she wore now that her hair had grown out, getting to place her hands on Regina’s waist and hold her just for a moment, breathing in her scent still sleepy from the night before. How simple it could be. Ruby shook her head pushing the images from her head, but the length of Regina’s legs made it hard.

The former mayor still hadn’t noticed her entrance, or how long Ruby had stood their admiring her. Taking a few light steps across the kitchen she placed her hand on the small of Regina’s back, letting her know she was there as she leaned over to grab a piece of freshly cooked pancake off the plate. Her quick reflexes saved her from receiving a playful slap on the wrist as the shorter woman admonished her to be patient. 

She slipped the morsel into her mouth, “What? I’m hungry. We never got around to dinner last night. And it’s almost wolfstime which means I need to be fed regularly. ”

Regina turned to face Ruby, aware of how close they were. “There’s coffee over there,” she gestured with the spatula. Ruby leaned in bringing their faces inches apart, distracting Regina and reaching for another piece of pancake. There was a moment where their eyes locked and neither moved, and then it was gone as Regina turned back to the pancakes not wanting to burn them. Ruby snuck the pancake into her mouth as she turned to finish up their coffee trying to ignore the fluttering feeling in her stomach.

Breakfast passed quietly. Ruby poured more syrup on her pancakes than she had pancakes to soak it up and Regina barely had any. Neither wanted to break the silence for fear of popping the bubble of tranquility that had settled over their morning. With each accidental brush of hands or legs under the table the touches became less accidental. Their need of the comfort of skin against skin had spilled over into the daylight hours. By the time the need for a second cup of coffee arose they had settled in against the counter shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, still only half clothed.

Despite the peace this morning had afforded. The glimpse at something normal and calm and wonderful, the dark edges of Ruby’s mind bled against her feelings. She tried to push them away, but the harder she tried to hold onto the light the more the dark crept in. She felt Regina exhale heavily before she leaned her head on Ruby’s shoulder. They were both haunted by the pain still fresh in their past.

Ruby looked down at her coffee, “I feel like we’re back to that first morning almost. Everything is so raw again.” She fought the urge to turn and place a kiss on the top of Regina’s head. There were lines they hadn’t crossed in the daylight. As if they would be all the more real when seen by sunlight.

She felt Regina nod, “It’s different. You’re here. I mean, I know you’re here and you aren’t trying to run away.”

“No, I’m not.” Ruby leaned her weight into the other woman, “For the first time in a long while I don’t want to run.”

Regina turned and set her coffee down, wrapping her arms around the taller woman’s waist. She pulled her head back slightly so she could look her in the eye. Their lower bodies pressed together, bare lengths of legs tangled. “I’m glad.” She moved her hands to rest on Ruby’s biceps as the taller woman wrapped her arms around her waist, letting her fingers play against the length of lean muscle.

“What are we doing?” Ruby asked. She could feel the heat from Regina pressed against her. It was nearly wolfstime and there was no hiding scents from her nose even if she tried to ignore them. Ruby could smell the desire building between them.  

“I don’t know,” Regina answered. She looked up at Ruby, here eyes coming rest on the other woman’s lips. It would be so easy, natural, to push up on tip toe and press their lips together. But the weight with which the question was asked meant she couldn’t close that distance, anything more would be proof that there was more between them than friendship. Anything more and she couldn’t rationalize it. She pulled back slightly, but not out of Ruby’s embrace, just enough to put air between them. 

“We need to figure this out.” Ruby reached out and caught a finger under one of the buttons on Regina’s shirt that was actually buttoned, pulling the other woman into her again. She rested her forehead against the shorter woman’s. It was hard to breath and even harder to think this close. Regina nodded slightly, her nose barely brushing against the other woman’s. A small affirmative noise escaped her throat. Ruby’s hands slid around Regina’s waist underneath the half-open dress shirt.

“Mom! I’m here! Ready to start work on Operation Mongoose!” Henry called from the front hall.

“Shit.” Ruby moved across the kitchen trying to hide.

“What time is it,” Regina hissed.

Ruby stole a look at the clock, “Nearly ten.”

“Of course he’s early.”

“You raised him well,” Ruby tried not to grin.

“Henry, meet me in the living room,” Regina called and Ruby shot her a look. Their clothes were still on the floor. “I mean the study! Why don’t you grab what we’ll need from your room.” She pinched the bridge of her nose trying to think her way out of the potentially disastrous situation.

“Sure. Is Ruby here?” He called.

Ruby went white trying to hold back laughter at the look of pure mortification on Regina’s face. There would be no explaining this. The half naked breakfast and no we still haven’t even kissed. It was too much. If Henry walked into the kitchen there was nowhere to go. Regina called back to Henry but Ruby was too busy watching her flush as she tried to convince him to the other side of the house before he walked in on them. It was the second time he had interrupted them. This time they were sober, there was no excuse.

This time though, Ruby wouldn’t let it go. Once she heard Henry run up the stairs she crossed the kitchen in a few quick steps and slipped her arms back around Regina’s waist, pressing their lips together. Regina’s hands found their way to the back of her neck, her fingers tangling in Ruby’s hair. There was nothing gentle about the kiss. It was rushed and demanding and over far too quickly leaving both women breathless.

“We’ll talk later,” Ruby husked.

“Mom?”

But it hadn’t ended quickly enough. Regina pushed away from Ruby trying to close her half buttoned shirt and ran her fingers through her hair. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words. Henry was trying not to look at either his mom or Ruby who were both in fewer clothes than he had ever seen them. The tension in the room was stifling. Regina pursed her lips and turned her gaze away from Ruby. There would be no forgetting, no resetting their friendship. They could move forward together or things could fall apart. There would be no keeping things the way they were. Last night would be their last curled up together as just friends offering each other comfort from the chaos that followed in their wake.

“I- I’ll go,” Ruby stammered.

 

_______________________________________

 

 

Ruby was pacing back and forth outside the Storybrooke library trying to decide if she should go in or if she should continue to wait. Right as Ruby had arrived Emma had run up and let her know that someone had broken in. She desperately wanted to know that Belle was okay, she also just needed to talk with her friend. It had been months since they had spoken and she had heard through the town gossips that Belle had married Rumpelstiltskin. It didn’t feel right that Belle had made such a huge decision without even telling her after the fact. But maybe Ruby’s disappearing act had hurt their friendship more than she imagined. Nervous she continued to pace fretfully.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump, she whirled around ready to attack only to be face to face with Belle. The brunette looked startled, but underneath she looked like she had been well. “Hi,” Ruby blurted out. It hurt to be this close to Belle and to not know if it was okay to hug her, to not know if she was allowed to be close.

“Hey, Emma told me you were out here.” Belle took a step back, putting a little distance between them. She shuffled her feet uncertainly, looking down. “I haven’t seen you around lately.”

Ruby cocked her head to the side wondering if Belle meant the past few weeks or the past few months. “Yeah, it’s been a while.” She hadn’t gone anywhere, hadn’t left Storybrooke and yet almost everyone acted like she had left, as if their lack of interaction had anything to do with physical absence. “I mean, I’ve been around. I feel like a lots happened since we last talked. Are you okay?” She gestured at Emma as she escorted a guy in handcuffs out of the library.

“Yeah,” Belle paused watching Emma shove the guy into the back of the cruiser. “He was passed out curled up around a book and whiskey bottle.” She didn’t quite look at Ruby, it felt like she was trying to avoid her, or acknowledging that their friendship was strained. She fiddled with the ring on her left hand.

“I heard you’re married now.” Ruby tried to keep her tone casual.

“Yeah–Yes.” Belle cleared her throat, “It was sudden, but I’m happy.”

“That’s good. Congratulations?” she tried not to make it a question, but couldn’t not. Their lives had changed so much in the past few months. She wondered if Belle couldn’t tell her about the wedding for the same reasons she couldn’t bring herself to talk about Regina. Maybe not the same reasons, but maybe it was complicated. There had to be a reason why the bookish girl who longed for adventure let herself be hidden away like some rare trophy.

Belle nodded, “Thanks. Have you been okay?”

The werewolf wanted to laugh at that, ask what it was that gave her away. For too long she had convinced herself her invisibility was complete that she had hidden any hurt and pain so deep inside that none could see it.That shell had cracked and Regina had broken it apart, pulled her out of the wreckage. She was soft skinned and vulnerable everything too close to the surface. Ruby smiled softly not wanting to dump the weight of it on the other girl, “That depends upon your definition of the word. I’m here though, aren’t I?”

“I know we haven’t talked.” She looked to Ruby with a kindness, this was the Belle she remembered. “I’m sorry for that.” She reached out for Ruby’s had and she let her take it. “We should have tea.” Belle’s eyes lit up, hopeful.

There was a tiny tug at her heart, the last fleeting beats of friendship still clinging to life after all this time. “I’d like that very much.” She pulled the shorter girl in for a hug, “I’ve missed our talks.”

Pulling back Belle beamed up at Ruby, “I’m sure you have so much to fill me in on. I mean aside from being married now nothing much has changed with me.”

“As if that’s not huge news.” Ruby quipped. It hurt that Belle hadn’t told her, but she didn’t want to fight. She wanted her friend back.

“How have things been going,” Belle paused, unsurety playing across her features. “With wolfstime?”

“Everything’s been fine.” She answered quickly. In truth it had been months since she had turned. Her control had been so tight, so complete, that it had all stopped. The things that made her so alive were gone. But now, without that hard outer layer of resolve, it could all change. 

“I’d just heard you–“

“Heard what?” Ruby panicked for a moment wondering if the rumors of her and Regina had spread past the Charming and Lucas families. If maybe the town were truly talking.

Belle opened her mouth and closed it again taking her time in replying, “Just that you haven’t been shifting.”

“Oh.” Ruby hadn’t expected that. The last thing she imagined was that anyone had paid attention to her over the past several months. With the feeling of Regina’s lips still on hers, parting hungrily, she could think of little else but the woman whose bed she slept in. “No, it’s fine. Things are fine. Why wouldn’t they be?” She tried to smile.

Belle shook her head, and smiled sadly up at Ruby. “I don’t know, but you could come to me, if they weren’t.”

The taller girl pulled her into a hug, whispering _I know_ against her hair.

 

_______________________________________

 

Regina watched them standing at the ice wall: Charming, Emma, Elsa, and Ruby. Emma had called her down to see if she could help break the ice magic. It was a futile attempt but they needed to try, anything to calm down the towns people. Even after stepping down as mayor she couldn’t escape their need for her to fix things. Everyone was so used to her fixing problems even as they despised her for intervening. 

Elsa was chatting with Ruby energetically. She was just out of earshot but she could see how relaxed Ruby was, her smile came easily. There was little left of the pain she had seen in the younger woman’s face that morning as she fled the kitchen. Absentmindedly her fingers touched her lips remembering the way the she-wolf had tasted. The way in which she had finally found the courage to do what had been on both their minds, even if they had refused to admit it. Still refused. Ruby had been avoiding her all day. 

A pang shot through her gut as she watched Elsa’s had rest lightly on Ruby’s arm. Another as the ice queen leaned in to whisper something in Ruby’s ear that made her laugh. Ruby was her wolf. Not that she had any right to think that, any claims valid enough to make her feel as such. But she believed it none the less, she wanted to make it true. Nothing in her life was simple but Ruby air when she had been drowning. She needed the girl.

Though she may have ruined things this morning. Just as Ruby had stopped running she had chased her off. Neither had wanted to be caught by Henry but Regina had shut down. It hadn’t been her finest moment. Part of her had just reacted without thinking, berating herself, she should have known better.

She couldn’t let things stay like that between them. Though now was not the time to try to talk through their relationship, whatever it was. For the first time the thought of sleeping alone in her own bed terrified her. And she couldn’t fix it, not when there were others here. Still, she had to try.

Making her way over to where the two women stood she tried to sort an excuse, what she would speak to them about. They had exhausted their attempts to take down the ice wall and she had little to say to Storybrooke’s newest resident. The sun had just about gone down and it was time they all found somewhere warmer to be. Ruby was laughing when Regina reached her. The werewolf’s eyes flicked to her flashing yellow for a moment. Regina placed her hand on Ruby’s arm possessively.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was–“ Elsa started.

Ruby looked down at her arm, then at Regina, “That’s okay, I didn’t know there was something to–“

Regina dropped her hand from Ruby’s arm. “It’s complicated,” she said truthfully.

Elsa turned to go but stopped short as a strangled cry escaped Ruby’s lips and she doubled over. The full moon peaked out from behind the clouds.

“You have to go! Now! I’m going to shift and I don’t think I can control it.”

“What are you talking about, you’ve controlled the wolf for years,” David said.

“There’s no time, just go.” She pushed at anyone that tried to get near her, pleading with them to retreat. Her eyes met Regina’s and she felt her heart skip a beat. She couldn’t hurt anyone. She couldn’t hurt Regina. No. Regina mouthed the word _run_ and Ruby didn’t hesitate. 

The werewolf only made it a few steps before a spasm wracked her body. She fell to her knees a scream escaping her lips. The scream ended in a snarl and where Ruby had been stood an eight foot wolf. A large vicious creature. It snarled at the group, backing up slowly. Black and grey fur was matted, as if it had been confined for far too long. Clear goo from the change clung to the worst of the tangles. The look in it’s yellow eyes was wild, sniffing the air, trying to get it’s bearings. It had been gone for a long time and it was still not used to this new world.

David raised a hand, trying to reach out to the creature in an act of submission, “Ruby?” The wolf snapped its teeth. “Hey girl, its me. Ruby you can control this.” He approached slowly his head bent, having calmed the werewolf down before and brought her back to herself. 

The wolf growled, shaking its thick fur, advancing on David. It sniffed the air, scenting its prey. Showing no recognition. He backed up, trying to keep the women behind him. “Run, get back to the town.”

“No.” Came as a chorus. They were backed against the ice wall, the only way out was through Ruby.

Emma pulled her gun. “What are you doing, Swan!” Regina hissed. 

“Protecting us. If it comes down to her or us, I chose us.”

“Put that damned thing away. She may be the beast right now, but that is Ruby.”

“She doesn’t have control.”

Regina sent the gun flying out of Emma’s hands with a flick of her wrist.

“What are you doing?”

“Protecting us.”

The wolf rushed forward. David, Emma, and Elsa cowered against the wall.

Regina stepped forward, “Ruby!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place roughly around 4x05. At this point I don't think it matters if you're paying attention to the actual season...

Regina stepped forward, “Ruby!”

The wolf rushed forward a few more steps before stopping, growling and snapping at the four humans cowering against the ice wall. Closer up Regina could see that the wolf looked thin and malnourished, its fur course and wirey, and very badly in need of a brushing. The beast looked as if it had been caged for months. And if what Ruby had said was true, that her tight control on her emotions had kept her from turning, then maybe it had been. A werewolf caged for too long could be incredibly dangerous.

Regina took a small step forward and felt ice under her boot. She looked down at the growing trail of ice. “Elsa!” she hissed. “Control yourself.”

“She’s thinking about eating us. I could freeze her and–“

“You will _not_.” Regina took another tentative step forward, “No one does anything to harm Ruby, understood?” She was met with silence, “Am I understood?”

The trio muttered their assent, not wanting an angry Regina after them as well as a thoroughly pissed off werewolf.

“What’s happened to her? She looks,” Elsa paused, “ill.”

“This is what neglect does.” Regina spat. She could feel her anger boiling up inside her. Not only had the idiots around her broken the girl they had almost destroyed the magnificent beast inside her. She could only imagine what Ruby was like when she was taken care of, when all of her was taken care of. Regina had never seen the werewolf up close, not even before in the other realm, though it had killed enough of her men. No wonder Snow White had won. With a creature like this by your side, anything was possible. 

“Neglect?” questioned David.

“Yes.” Regina didn’t elaborate.

“Is that why–“ Emma started.

“Yes,” Regina cut her off not wanting to bring up the fact that Ruby had been sleeping at hers. It was too complicated to try to explain, when Ruby was losing control of the wolf and the wolf thought they looked like an excellent first meal after months of imprisonment, “None of you noticed. You were her friends. Her family. None of us looked her way until it was too late.” 

She wanted nothing more than to be able to take Ruby in her arms. Her heart broke at the sight. She knew the girl had been hurt, but sometimes emotional pain was so easy to downplay and ignore. You didn’t always see the physical effects. Regina had seen her hollow and broken, but the next morning she would smile and for a moment Regina would believe Ruby was okay. 

Ruby wasn’t just a girl, she was a creature of magic, a fearsome werewolf of untold strength. A creature that couldn’t be bested by the most cunning of the Queen’s guard. People forgot that, and then they forgot the girl, and the wolf had suffered in a human shaped cage. Trapped in by darkness, given only scraps to survive on. Never seeing the light of day, never getting to run free underneath the moon. Forced to live in circumstances unfit for survival. The only option was to survive in a world where it couldn’t truly live. The girl might have managed, but the wolf, her spirit, was weak and beaten down.

The werewolf growled again, but didn’t advance. Barred its teeth but didn’t bite. Regina took another step forward, looking into the yellow eyes, looking for a hint that Ruby was conscious. “Ruby?” she asked, keeping her voice low. The werewolf shook its head, sending the clear goo from the shift flying. It snapped its teeth then pulled its muzzle down. Regina’s heart pounded in her chest and she was certain the werewolf could smell her fear, but if it could smell the fear maybe Ruby would realize the trust she had in her to fight for control, to fight for her life. 

“I know it hurts.” The wolf put its head down, body still tensed. “Let me take you home,” she took another step forward close enough to reach out and touch her. “Ruby, let me take care of you,” Regina whispered. For a moment she thought the werewolf was going to lay down at her feet, and she lay a gentle hand between its ears. With a snarl the wolf bounded away into the forest.

“Ruby!” Regina yelled after her, taking a few running steps before stopping. Tears burned her eyes, threatening to fall.

 

________________________________

 

Ruby collapsed on the edge of the forest, her arms and legs shaking. The sun was just peaking over the horizon. She had managed to keep in the forest and avoid the town for most of the night, only terrorizing the local wildlife. Turning had never felt like that before. Pained, uncertain, scared, the wolf wasn’t altogether there. She rolled over on her side, curling up and sobbing. Her wolf had been neglected, shoved in a tiny cage for too long. She had denied a part of herself and it was slowly dying.

Her stomach rolled with the thought of it. Knowing what the wolf had felt like, what she had done to herself. All the pain she had blocked out, the parts of herself she had denied just to keep moving forward. In the back of her mind she wondered at what cost had she persisted. The wolf was in agony, having been neglected for months. Every emotion she hadn’t felt crashed over her. Her breath came raggedly, an invisible hand holding her down, unable to draw a full breath. Black spots floated in her vision and her stomach churned. 

Shakily she pushed onto all fours and vomited up bile. When she ran out she dry heaved until she collapsed and rolled off onto her side. She was crying again trying to push the feelings back, trying to stop them from overwhelming her, but it was no use. The floodgates had opened and there was no turning back. It had taken months of careful work to build those walls and now it was all coming at her too fast; to think that one moment of kindness could break through her resolve. She could sink or she could swim. 

In the back of her mind she played with the idea of letting go. Letting the feelings overwhelm her and carry her away. She could shift back into the wolf and losing herself. At least as the wolf her needs were simpler. She could let go of her human emotions and all this pain that weighed her down, the guilt, and the loss. If she wanted she wouldn’t have to let it haunt her ever again. It would be too easy. There would be too few people that would miss her. So what would it matter.

Regina.

The name hung in her mind like a beacon. Simultaneously pulling her away from the darkest thoughts and making her wonder if there would be anything to go back to after yesterday. She could feel Regina’s lips on hers as they kissed for the briefest of moments. And then Henry had shown up and she had shut down. Ruby had run before anything had been said, the terror on Regina’s face had stung. They hadn’t had time to talk. There was a moment where she wondered if Regina would let her back in but there had been before the moon overtook her. That was gone now though. She had barely kept the wolf from eating Regina, Emma, David, and Elsa.

The memory brought on a fresh wave of tears and guilt. She crawled to the base of a tree and curled up in the soft springy ground beneath it. Covering her face with her hands she let sleep pull her back under, ignoring the hunger pangs in her stomach and the impending storm she could smell approaching.

Ruby woke later cold and soaked through. Every muscle was sore and stiff. The storm was still raging. Rain pelted down, though it did little to change how wet Ruby was. The cold kept the emotional pain at bay, it was just out of reach behind the wall of physical need. Judging by the color the sky it had been almost two days since she had eaten and even her naturally overheated core couldn’t keep her warm in this weather. She couldn’t tell if she was still crying or if it was just the rain running down her face.

Weakly she pushed her way to standing, leaning against the tree to get used to the feeling of being upright on two legs again. She knew she needed to make it somewhere to change and eat but she could neither imagine going to Regina’s or back to Granny’s in her current state, not that any of her things were in her own room. For a moment she almost slid down the tree, just letting unconsciousness over take her until night came and the wolf would take her. From somewhere she pulled the resolve to stand up straight and try to find her way back to town.

Her steps were uneven and lurching as if she were drunk. If only that were it she could sleep it off. There was no sleeping away this hunger, or the delirium that came with it. She knew she couldn’t see Regina right now, not like this. She would do something they both regretted, that much she knew. Whether it would be pushing for another kiss just to feel something alive or pushing her away she didn’t know. Through back alleys she made her way to her apartment in the inn that Granny ran. Hoping that if anything the roads would be empty and no one would see her. 

For once she didn’t want anyone to notice. She couldn’t let anyone see her like this. The dysphoria had been bad enough. Looking into that mirror and not being able to recognize herself, knowing that she just wanted all the pain, the emptiness, the feeling inside out and backwards to end, but somehow still fighting to see another day. She had wanted it all to be over. Ruby’s emotions had always run hot and cold, all or nothing. For too long now they had been nothing. She had forgotten how intense feeling was. She was drowning in it. The hope that Regina had awoken in her had been soft compared to this. That emotion was a good one. What the wolf felt, the reality of it all, might kill her.

Ruby stumbled into her room, looking around at the once familiar space. It was almost exactly how she had left it. Regina’s perfume still hung in the air. She must have been the last person in here. The thought brought tears back to Ruby’s eyes. That day had been infinitely easier than this. 

Falling to her knees she lay on her side. At least she had made it this far, she had tried. In another few hours she could try again. Hope clung to her like Regina Mills’ perfume had clung to the corners of her room. Her door opened and despite protesting muscle she stumbled to her feet ready to fight. It was Granny. Ruby relaxed a little but not completely.

“What are you doing here?” She was wary, last time she and Granny had spoken the conversation had been ugly. Ruby didn’t want a repeat.

“I could almost ask you the same thing. I thought you had moved out.” Granny put her hands on her hips.

“I didn’t move out. I just needed to be in a different space for a while. Sort things out.” Ruby started pacing, not wanting to have this conversation right now. Her arms move restlessly from around her waste to down at her sides.

“And did you?”

“No,” she spat. “Well, almost,” she whispered.

“I told you nothing good came of being with that woman.”

“We are not– Regina and I are not together.”

“Is that the problem?”

“No! How can you go from being angry at me because you think I’m sleeping with her, to worried because I’m not?” Ruby just wanted this conversation to be over.

“You haven’t been yourself since you left. I’m just trying to understand. I want you to come home.” Granny took a step towards Ruby, but she took a step back not wanting to be close to anyone.

“I haven’t been myself for a very long time, Granny. Just no one bothered to notice.” She was screaming the last words, on edge and knowing that she was possibly acting irrationally. A corner of her mind tried to calm her down, but her nerves were still frazzled from shifting last night and she was still soaked from sleeping outside. An invisible hand gripped at her heart and another clamped over her mouth. She needed out of this room or she was going to suffocate. Sidling around Granny she slipped out the open door and into the last rays of sun.

Ruby realized she would never make it to the forest before the sun set. She broken into a run anyway her muscles protesting. Rest could come later after she saved the town from the monster she would become.

 

 

________________________________

 

 

Regina had used magic to get to the diner as soon as Emma had called. The blonde had nearly run into Ruby as she ran out of the inn and trying to make her way out of town. The werewolf had looked wild, soaking wet and pained. When Granny had come out after her she realized just how bad things still were and made the call. 

“What did you do to my granddaughter?” Granny snarled at Regina.

“I didn’t do this.”

“It wasn’t Regina’s fault, she’s been helping Ruby,” Emma was trying to keep the peace between the two strong willed women.

“Is that why Ruby was half-naked in your–“ Emma clamped a hand over Henry’s mouth pulling him in to a one armed hug meant to stop the question.

“Helping my ass. If Ruby were at home she wouldn’t be out of control on the full moon. She’d have her cloak.”

Regina paled a little, there was nothing simple about explaining to her thirteen year old son what she and Ruby had been doing. Maybe because they had never sorted it out themselves except for to realize that it was the only thing that felt right. The only calm in the storm that was life in Storybrooke. 

“Let’s not talk about that right now, kid. There’s a justifiably upset werewolf on the loose.” Emma shot a look at Granny who was carrying her crossbow. “Normally I’d send you off with Ruby to make sure you’re okay, but that isn’t really an option, so you’re staying with your mom and me.” Emma looked over to Regina. “We’re in this together. We took down that ice monster, we can help Ruby.”

Regina nodded silently and put an arm around Henry. “Just stay back, in case something goes wrong.”

The four of them looked for a direction to head in when they heard a scream just a block over. They broke into a run, knowing that at least for tonight the most likely cause of that scream was the half starved werewolf terrorizing a resident of Storybrooke. 

The eight foot werewolf looked as bad off as it had the night before. Regina’s breath caught in her throat at the sight, her first thought to take care of the poor girl who was worse off than she had imagined. The amount of strength she must have had to keep this much pain hidden away was staggering. At the sound of their approaching footfalls the wolf spun around, scenting to see if they were prey or predators. A low growl escaped its throat and it slowly stalked forward, ignoring its original target. The woman ran.

“Ruby?” Regina asked. Last night she had been able to reach through and pull the girl far out enough for her to take control of the wolf, maybe she could do the same tonight. She felt Emma step up behind her.

“Let me know what to do,” she whispered. 

“Don’t let her run, hold her still if she tries to bolt.”

The wolf growled again, not slowing its advancement. Its fur was matted still, sickly looking.

“Ruby, I know you can here me. I know you’re hurt. But, Ruby, we need you to wake up. You need to fight.” Regina pleaded with the creature hoping Ruby was still there, still conscious.

The wolf paused, its hackles raised. 

“Why don’t we just hold her with our magic now?” Emma asked.

“Because I don’t want to scare her, or hurt her.” Regina rubbed her hand across her face wearily. When Ruby hadn’t come home last night or even this morning she had been worried. Ruby hadn’t stayed a single night away from her house since that first night. Truth was, Regina hadn’t slept at all last night. In the morning she had checked every place Ruby usually visited and found them all lacking for signs of the girl. From Granny and Emma’s descriptions it was likely she had spent the night and most of the day outside. The thought pained her. She knew it was likely her fault that Ruby hadn’t felt she could come home.

Regina continued to talk to the werewolf trying to find the words to get through to Ruby, or maybe it was just the sound of her voice. She heard a crossbow being notched behind her and cursed inwardly at Granny. She would do anything to keep the werewolf from killing innocents, even if that meant harming her own granddaughter. They shouldn’t have brought Henry. She and Emma should have made Granny watch him. She felt Emma move to Granny to tell her to not aim until absolutely necessary. Last night the blonde had learned the hard way Regina wasn’t fond of people threatening Ruby, even when she was lost inside The Big Bad Wolf.

The wolf was still growling but it hadn’t advanced any further. “Ruby, please come back to me.” Regina was worried last night had been more Ruby’s control than anything she might have done but she stepped forward anyway, one hand extended. The wolf lowered its head and let out a keening whine. Regina’s eyes snapped up to meet the golden ones in front of her, “Ruby?”

The wolf knelt down and the girl collapsed at Regina’s feet, heaving sobs shaking her frame. Regina was at her side in an instant, hands hovering, uncertain if Ruby wanted her there or not but unable to keep away.

“I’m sorry. In my head I can’t stop it. I can’t stop the screaming. It’s wrong, it’s all wrong. I know it isn’t fair, but I can’t do this to you. I can’t ask you to deal with this, with me. Nothing is okay, the wolf is wild again. She’s hungry. I almost couldn’t keep her away from town. Oh, god, I thought I was going to attack you.” Ruby flinched away from Regina’s touch pulling herself as small as she could. Her hands curled in front of her face as she tried to block out the rest of the world.

“I didn’t know that could happen. She’s starving, half dead. Oh god. It hurt so bad. I didn’t know it was that bad. I didn’t know. I didn’t.” Ruby’s voice trailed off, incoherent with grief and pain. Her breath caught in her throat as she started hyperventilating. She was shaking and rocking back and forth. When she had breath a high pitched keening noise escaped her throat. Regina reached for her again hands gentle against the side of her face and her arm as she leaned over her. 

“Sleep,” she whispered. A light glowed underneath her palms and Ruby fell silent, her breath coming evenly again. It was all Regina could think to do. Let her rest, give her time. 

“What did you do?” Granny knelt down next to Ruby and started to push Regina away.

“She asleep, but not deeply, so keep your voice down.” Regina replied as she slipped her arms underneath the slumbering werewolf, and slowly stood cradling Ruby against her. The girl’s clothes were still soaked.

“Alright then, we’ll get her home.” Granny turned and started to walk back to the inn.

Regina looked up from where her face was buried against Ruby’s hair, locking her gaze on Emma and slowly shaking her head. Emma nodded and walked over to Regina placing a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll drive you back to yours,” she whispered. “Henry, go help your mom get Ruby settled in the car.” She handed him her keys. “I’ll go talk to Granny.” Emma ducked her head as she set off after the old woman, Regina didn’t envy her. Ruby’s grandmother had a sharp edge to her tongue.

The car wasn’t so far away that they couldn’t hear the conversation, Regina tried not to listen, but she knew things had been rough between Ruby and her grandmother and she wanted to know what the woman would say.

“Ruby will be safe at Regina’s.”

“How can you believe that?”

“Because I haven’t seen Ruby be herself in months and suddenly she seems to be alive again. And because the only other person I have ever seen Regina protect that fiercely is Henry.”

There was a pause and Regina thought the conversation had ended, but in a softer voice the older woman continued, “Ask Regina to give me a call when she wakes up, let me know Ruby’s okay.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place just before 4x06.

Regina had curled up in a chair next to the bed she shared with Ruby, where the werewolf was curled in a tight ball, fitfully sleeping. She hadn’t left the her side since Emma had helped her carry Ruby up the stairs last night, hadn’t even allowed herself to sleep in case Ruby woke up. She kept playing the events of the last few days over and over in her head, trying to figure out if she could have done anything differently. If she could have kept Henry out of the kitchen, if she had only gone after Ruby instead of being embarrassed. Her night had been a painful series of _what if…_

There was too much between them that they had ignored, purposefully pushing away anything that might complicate things, which in the end had only complicated them more. She could see that now. Regina reached out a tentative hand and brushed the hair back from Ruby’s face. Even in sleep she still seemed pained and troubled, though less than before. Her wolf had looked so beaten down. Neglected. She wondered how much of Ruby’s energy was tied up in the wolf, and what would have happened if she had used up the wolf’s energy to keep herself alive. How close she had been to losing it all. The werewolf had claimed that her tight control over her emotions had kept the change at bay, but what if she had been siphoning energy from her magical half to keep going, to keep herself from falling apart completely. Regina shuddered at the thought, to be able to deny yourself so fiercely that you withered away. That took a strength she had never known.

Tea had grown cold in the mug where Emma had left it, after she had brought out a blanket for Regina. Both remained untouched despite the chill that had sunk into her bones. She couldn’t bring herself to the comfort of it while Ruby was still visibly distressed. Regina had tried to dry her off and warm her up as best she could without waking her up, but the her hair was still damp and no matter how many blankets she piled on Ruby wouldn’t stop shaking.

She felt responsible, even though this damage had been done long before Ruby had come into her life. If anyone should feel responsible it should be the people who considered themselves her friends and family. The thought made her angry and she knew there was little she could do about it. 

Regina’s hand lay gently on Ruby’s face and she could feel every twitch. She watched for signs of her waking up or relaxing at last, but there was no indication of change. If only she had noticed how bad things had been. If only Ruby had let her see, maybe she could have kept this from happening. Could have kept Ruby’s heart from breaking. The look on her face when she shifted back to human had said as much. Ruby hadn’t known how bad things had been, shifting into her other half had given her perspective that she had lost. Regina sighed and lay her head down on the arm of the chair, not breaking contact with Ruby, not letting her eyes drift away for even a moment. If she couldn’t fix this she wouldn’t let the pain go unnoticed this time. Seeing the pain wouldn’t take it away though. A tear slid down the bridge of her nose.

Part of her wanted Ruby to wake back up so she could show her she wasn’t alone. She was also afraid what would happen when she did finally wake. Ruby had been hysterical and there was a chance she would wake in the same state she had been put to sleep in. That was the risk with magically inducing sleep. 

Emma had said something off hand to Regina about the two of them as they brought the sleeping woman in that she couldn’t get out of her head. More than what she had said to Granny, how Ruby had seemed more alive, but how Regina had looked happy too, despite everything, the last two nights aside. Emma had hinted that Henry just wanted Regina to be happy, whatever that looked like. Maybe, if they could get through this there was a future waiting for them where they were happy.

Regina wanted a second chance to show Ruby how she felt. With everything these past few years had thrown at her Regina felt more vulnerable than she ever had. Her heart was not her own. She was hurt, angry at the world, but she was healing. She loved more people than she thought she would ever be given the chance to, than she thought she would ever allow. Robin was lost to her, she just had to find the words to tell him as much, to tell him to go back to Marian. She found her happiness did not die with their relationship crumbling apart, the thought was both painful and comforting. Regina still had Henry. She still had the unconscious werewolf on the bed before her. At least she hoped she did. They both saw her for who she was, despite who she had been. Maybe, one day, others would know her for Regina and not the Evil Queen. If she could only say the things she meant to say, show Ruby how she felt. Hopefully it would be enough to keep her from running again. She had meant it that first morning. Regina liked having Ruby around, as much as it surprised her.

It would never be that simple because she had been saying how she felt every day for weeks now. Maybe not in so many words, but in every touch. They had been together and neither of them really realized it. Emotions had rushed to the surface after breakfast when Ruby had finally had the courage to do what they both had been thinking. Everything that they had been denying had come over them, and for a brief moment she had felt complete. Since the night she had brought Ruby home they had fallen together but kept a distance between them. Neither had wanted to complicate their lives with a relationship. It wasn’t something they talked about, but the cuddling and touching never developed into anything more. At first Regina thought Ruby wasn’t interested but then tipsy she had tried to kiss her before Henry interrupted them. 

Just as he interrupted them the morning Ruby ran away again putting distance between her and the things that pained her. Threatening her life more than even she knew.

Regina could feel tears flowing freely across her face thinking how she had almost lost Ruby but didn’t make a move to wipe them away. Her body ached to curl up against the taller woman, the one who had chosen her amidst all the chaos. Brushing her thumb against the werewolf’s cheek she imagined all the things she would try to say the next time she had a chance. Nothing seemed it would be enough.

Ruby stirred in her sleep, whimpering as she regained consciousness. Confusion and fear flashed across her face until her eyes focused on Regina who wedged herself into the small space between the chair and the bed trying to be closer to the waking girl to comfort her if she was allowed. Ruby was already crying, barely conscious, and Regina could see the same pained expression that had pulled her onto the edge of hysteria the night before. Ruby started to talk but Regina silenced her with a gentle finger against her lips. Talking had never been what they did best. They would need to find the time, but for now they needed to understand. They understood each other best in the empty spaces between the words even though they had never explored the extent of the vocabulary available to them. Regina tried now, pressing a soft kiss against her forehead and then her lips hoping she would understand the apology even though it wasn’t enough.

Strong arms pulled her into the bed, and she worked her way under the covers pressing against Ruby. The feeling was familiar and home. She wanted more from the other woman than just comfort of physical space, she wanted to close the distance between them, break down every wall, explore everything. Her hands held tightly to Ruby’s waist as she asked to deepen their kiss. Her tongue slipped lightly over teeth and gums, gentle in all the ways their first kiss hadn’t been. Ruby matched her pace, gently sucking on Regina’s tongue and pulling at her bottom lip with teeth. She hoped it was enough to show her intent, that she didn’t want to push the werewolf away. In truth that had never been what she wanted.

They broke apart resting their foreheads together. For a while Regina searched for the right words before lightly whispering, “I’m sorry,” against Ruby’s lips. “Don’t leave me again.”

“I’m broken. You saw what I am inside,” Ruby turned her face into the pillow muffling her next words. “I’m not–” sobs obscured her next words. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Regina. Even though she had woken up to everything that smelled of home it all seemed lost.

“You’re healing, sometimes things get worse before they get better.” Regina brushed hair from the other woman’s face, trying to comfort her and wipe away the tears. She placed kisses on the side of Ruby’s face, anywhere not hidden away in the sheets.

She could just hear through the tears, “I almost killed you.”

“But you didn’t, Ruby, you aren’t out of control.” Regina coaxed her into a seated position, half pulling the taller woman into her lap. She took Ruby’s hand in her own, interlacing their fingers, letting her thumb rub small circles on the back of her hand.

“It was awful,” Ruby still wouldn’t look at her. “I felt the wolf’s pain. She was fading away. I killed things in the forest, it’s all a blur.” Her voice shook, and the next was almost too quiet to hear, “I don’t know if everything the wolf ate was animal. It might have been– Everything with a heartbeat smelled like food. Even you.”

Regina felt Ruby pull feebly away as she pulled her close against her, holding her tightly. “One thing at a time. I stared down the eyes of that beast in you and I’m not afraid.” She placed a finger under Ruby’s chin and tilted her face up to look at her. “You want to know what I think happened?” 

Ruby nodded; a small smile tugged at the corner of Regina’s mouth. 

“You didn’t lose control these last two nights you were regaining it.”

“Did you forget the part where I almost ate you?” Ruby protested, but anything else was cut off by a chaste kiss from Regina.

“Before the other night, when was the last time you turned?”

“Months ago. I’m not sure.”

“Right. And you said that you thought you weren’t turning because you were keeping all your emotions locked up too tight, correct?” 

Ruby nodded, clearly skeptical still.

“From what I saw, the energy that makes up your wolf had been drained. She looked sick, as if she’d been left in a cage to long with nothing to sustain her. I think you were using the magic in you to keep you going and you didn’t know it. So you didn’t have the energy needed to turn. You’re a complex creature, Ruby Lucas. You make it easy sometimes for the rest of us to forget that you are more than just human. What may affect us one way has a completely different effect on you. Apparently depression is deadly in werewolves.” Regina squeezed Ruby’s hand and placed a light kiss on her cheek.

“When you started to get back to yourself, I think you built up enough energy to turn again. But you aren’t healed yet. It’s like you’ve only just discovered the extent of the damage.”

Ruby sighed, rubbing at the trail of tears that had finally ebbed. It felt like she would never be done with crying. It was possible, perhaps, that Regina was right, that she wasn’t getting worse, but better even though these past two days had been the worst in a long while. Still, she had felt something, however painful. She hadn’t been numb. She’d allowed her emotions to exist. That at least was different. It was alive.

She ran her fingers lightly over Regina’s arms, just feeling the warm skin beneath her fingertips. Regina shuddered at the touch. Her skin was soft and she smelled like lavender. She smelled like home. Tears pricked at the back of Ruby’s eyes and she fought not to let them fall. Every little emotion was hitting her hard as if her heart was nothing but a bundle of nerves. Even the slightest touch of feeling sent her head spinning. 

Ruby crawled into Regina’s lap straddling her and pressing her face against the other woman’s shoulder. Trying to get as close as possible. She was exhausted down to her bones. Every movement took more effort than it should. She breathed in lavender and let the scent calm her down and comfort her. She took in the warmth from Regina’s body and let it soothe the ache in her chest. She let the strength in Regina’s arms hold her together. In that moment it was all she could do.

Regina wrapped her arms tighter around the woman in her lap pressing one hand across the small of her back and burring the other in the hair at the nape of her neck, holding them together in so many ways. “Why don’t we go to bed?” Regina said as she pressed a kiss into Ruby’s hair. The werewolf made a small noise. “I’m not going anywhere.” She felt Ruby relax against her and nod.

Gently she eased them down onto the bed, pulling Ruby on top of her, wrapping her up as tightly as she could in an embrace as she covered them with the duvet. She let out a breath that was more of a sigh. Her bed was empty without Ruby in it. And somehow, she had lost her ability to sleep in an empty bed. A hollowness had ached in her last night, a space that the werewolf occupied. The weight of the other woman on top of her was more than comforting, it completed a part of her.

Ruby shifted, raising her head to look at Regina. “Isn’t it nearly day? I don’t want to keep you from anything important.”

“Shhh, pup. If anyone needs us they will call. They always do,” Regina said reaching up to kiss Ruby and pull her back down. Things may not be okay but at least this was right.


	8. Chapter 8

Regina woke up her face pressed against the soft flannel of Ruby’s shirt. Her arms were still wrapped around her waist, though at some time during the night they had turned on their sides and Ruby slept curled up pressed into the curve of Regina’s front. She breathed in the werewolf’s scent wild and earth, and warm, letting it wash over her. Pressing a small kiss in between the girl’s shoulder blades she thought about slipping out of bed to make coffee even though it was probably early afternoon, but she didn’t want to risk Ruby waking up alone. She slipped her hand underneath the girl’s shirt, resting her hand on her stomach, feeling the preternatural warmth radiating from her core. 

She played the night before over in her head, Ruby pulling her into bed and kissing her for the second time, taking her time to pour everything she had into it. Even if she only got to hold the girl one more time her heart felt lighter. Ruby was solid beneath her hands, she let her fingers brush over the muscles of the girl’s stomach, feeling the power tightly wound even in sleep. This is what she wanted to wake up to every morning. Nothing else felt right. However complicated it might be, Regina would fight for them because this was a chance at a happy ending, one that didn’t destroy anyone else, one that maybe, for once did some good. The adamancy with which she felt the decision startled her. She wasn’t quite certain where it had come from but she couldn’t shake the feeling.

Burying her face in the warm pocket of air between Ruby’s back and the bed she tried to block out the afternoon light and fall back asleep. Regina wanted to be well rested when the werewolf finally woke up, and right then she still felt exhausted from fear and worry. Of course she felt the telltale vibrations of her phone on the mattress. Her arm tightened around Ruby for a second before she let go, reaching for the mobile, wishing she had turned it off, or that for once she wasn’t needed. Fumbling, she answered and placed the phone against her ear without checking the caller ID.

“You haven't called yet,” Granny said bluntly, not even a greeting.

Regina groaned inwardly, not yet awake enough for this, or any, conversation, “I’m well aware of that.” She wanted to end the call, but she had taken the woman’s granddaughter, Regina felt that she maybe owed her at least this one conversation.

“Well why not?”

“She only woke up for a few minutes,” Regina placed a light kiss on Ruby’s back. At least this time she had fallen asleep naturally. Though she was worried that the werewolf was no less distraught than she had been when Regina had helped her to sleep. Everything had changed in those few minutes but she wasn’t about to explain her feelings to the widow Lucas.

“Well?”

“Well what? You saw for yourself last night.” Honestly Ruby hadn’t been awake long enough for Regina to tell if she was stable or if she would run again. Silence hung between them on the phone and the formerly evil queen snuggled against the girl in front of her. If this was all she had she would take it. She had been a villain for so long and villains don’t get happy endings, deep down she didn’t believe that she could have one. But the fact that Ruby was still here gave her a slight sliver of hope. It stung.

“Is she going to be okay?” Granny’s voice was quiet.

Regina sighed wishing she knew, “It’s going to take time.”

“You’re just going to keep her locked up until she’s safe?” There was a thin line of anger in her voice but Regina wasn’t sure it was entirely aimed at her.

“I don’t know what you’re implying. But Rub is fr–“

“You can’t keep her safe. You don’t understand what she’s done. And without–“

“What do you mean, what she’s done?” Regina sat up quickly trying to gently disengage herself from the sleeping werewolf. As far as she knew the only thing Ruby had done was fall apart. 

“There was a body found in the woods. One of the lost boys. At least we’re assuming so because he’s the only person reported missing.”

Ruby’s body tensed and Regina silently cursed herself for not getting out of bed to take the call. Not that a wall would have kept Ruby from overhearing if she had wanted to, but that was something she hadn’t needed to hear, not yet. Tentatively she reached out place a hand on Ruby’s arm. The other woman was still beneath her touch. She muttered an excuse to Granny and hung up her phone worried how Ruby would react. More than before Ruby wasn’t herself, the pain she felt was blinding her.

Turning away from the Regina’s touch Ruby slowly pulled herself off the king size bed and out from under the covers. The cool air hit her warm skin and she shivered, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She just needed to leave, she couldn’t be around anyone, she couldn’t be trusted. There was one night left of wolfstime and she needed to find somewhere to be locked up. Maybe Emma would let her stay at the jail tonight.

Regina sat up on her knees, one hand reaching out, “Ruby.”

“I can’t,” she stayed facing away from Regina but stopped moving, her hand tapped nervously on the corner of the bed.

“Come back, you don’t need to run anymore. No matter what happens.” _I don’t know if I can watch you run again_ , she added in her head. 

“I–I killed that boy.”

“It was an accident.”

“I’m not safe,” her voice was strangled. “You’re not safe.”

“You haven’t hurt me. I gave you every opportunity.”

Hesitantly and against her better judgement Ruby turned back to face the other woman. The look on Regina’s face broke her heart. Guilt welled up inside her as she fought with the world crashing down around her in her head. She just wanted the pain to end, there would be no breathing easy but maybe she could make it stop but for the look on Regina’s face. Blinking back tears she slowly climbed back onto the bed. Her arms and legs were leaden. She had lost control of her wolf and killed an innocent, another young man. Halfway across the bed she stopped, lacking the will to go any further. Maybe she could stay here, curl up and maybe stay safe from, keep everyone else safe from, herself but Ruby couldn’t bring herself to accept the comfort of Regina’s arms. Deep inside she wanted to move the last few feet and press herself against the other woman’s warmth, breathing in the strength and kindness she knew was there. She also knew she didn’t deserve it, so she collapsed, curling up, she couldn’t take what was offered. But maybe she could hold on long enough.

After a few moment’s hesitation she felt the bed shift and Regina curled around her, a kiss pressed into her shoulder. “Please don’t leave,” she whispered.

Ruby turned over to face Regina, forcing herself to meet the other woman’s eyes. Trying to convince herself to see the truth behind those words. Her despair was screaming in her ears making it hard to think, but she fought against it. She reached out a hand and laid it against Regina’s cheek, her thumb brushed over her bottom lip. Echoes of last night, her brief moments of clarity and consciousness, Regina’s mouth on hers, washed over her. The completeness and ease she had felt as the woman had melted into her. Maybe that had been real, she had woken to Regina spooning her, a hand against the bare skin of her stomach. She wanted to live in that moment. The reminder that she had killed a boy crashed across the pleasant thought and tears threatened at the corners of her eyes. The screaming in her head, paralyzing her, making it hard to breath.

Shifting to straddle Ruby’s lap Regina looked down at the taller girl, an overwhelming desire to take away the pain behind the taller girl’s eyes and a complete loss at what might even begin that long journey, “What can I do to convince you that you can get through this, and that I’m not going anywhere?” Her fingers traced Ruby’s jawline and brushing at stray tears.

Slowly Ruby let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. She arched up, pressing her lips to Regina’s not wanting to be in her own head. She wanted that moment of peace back when all she had been conscious of was Regina pressed against her. Wrapping her arms around the other woman’s waist she pulled her down. The weight of the shorter woman grounded the werewolf in the here and now. A moment of silence washed over her mind as Regina returned the kiss. She pushed at the horrible thoughts sitting at the edge of her mind, knowing they wouldn’t go away, but wanting more than anything for them to leave her alone for just a few moments while she lost herself. That if she could feel okay again, if only for a little while, maybe Regina would be right. The hope hurt but the desolation was worse. Her chest felt tight like she couldn’t take a breath, so she pushed the kiss as long as they could go until they fell apart gasping for air. She whimpered at the loss of contact.

Regina’s mouth crashed down on hers again and Ruby’s hands slid under the loose t-shirt she had slept in. If only for a second she could feel something that might be real. This might be real. She tugged at the shirt, knowing that this was different from any other time they had undressed each other. There was an urgency and need they had never let exist between them always so careful to keep things platonic. Her fingers trailed over the exposed skin, and Regina shuddered in response. Ruby pressed a knee between the other woman’s legs, rolling her hips up to meet Regina’s.

Each time Ruby’s head threatened to tear her away from the gorgeous woman before her she exposed another length of skin, pressing them tighter together, her fingers exploring another inch of supple flesh. She wanted to know the feel of every curve Regina responded in kind her hands devouring Ruby’s lithe frame as her mouth did much the same. She kissed down Ruby’s neck turning the other woman’s face with her nose so she could suckle her earlobe. Ruby let out a moan, her fingers digging into Regina’s sides, nails trailing red marks in their wake. Her right hand moved to palm the other woman’s breast, rolling the nipple between thumb and forefinger as Regina’s kisses moved lower, passing her collarbone. Regina’s tongue lapped a line between the valley of Ruby’s small pert breasts.

Regina’s hands worked their way down and her mouth latched around one of Ruby’s nipples, teeth tugging lightly. Her fingernails scratched lightly teasing her right hand coming to rest gently between the apex of Ruby’s thighs. Ruby’s head was thrown back reveling in the sensation of the other woman’s mouth on her. Her mind was almost blissfully blank. She whimpered when Regina’s hand stilled, pushing her hips off the bed and against Regina’s palm. Ruby wanted nothing more than to lose herself in Regina’s touch. All she could feel was the ache of need.

Teasing Regina slowly ran one finger along the length of Ruby’s slit, slowly dipping into the damp folds, watching for permission. Her mouth worked back up towards Ruby’s, leaving a trail of open mouthed kisses wet with tongue and teeth. She marked her, trying to help her understand. Regina’s hands worked tirelessly to fight the pain and fear that still coursed through Ruby’s body. If she could take it out she would take it on herself, so each caresses was a reminder that the other woman wasn’t alone, each kiss a promise, every bite a show of strength. _I’m yours, I will protect you,_ she seemed to be saying. Speaking without words in the way they did best. Words would come later when breaking the silence would give them understanding, when breaking the silence wouldn’t break them.

Ruby came one hand clenching the sheets and the other holding Regina’s hair firmly pressing their mouths together as she fought to kiss around the moaning, screaming of her name. Regina brought her down slowly through the shuddering aftershocks, whispering into her ear, pressing soft kisses to her face. She pulled the taller girl into her arms, lying them down face to face wishing the calm moment of peace that had settled over her features would stay. If time would only freeze, allowing them this. Gently she traced the lines of tranquility on Ruby’s face with her finger, the way her jaw was set, the ease between her eyes, trying to commit the feeling to memory. A small but real smile was mirrored on their faces.

 

_________________________________

 

Several hours and a hot shower later Ruby almost felt normal. She tried to hold onto it but the tighter she grasped the more the feeling slipped away. The further away from what had transpired between her and Regina they got the worse she felt. She blamed the setting sun and slipped down the stairs to the kitchen, her stomach growling, knowing that it wouldn’t be good to send a hungry wolf into the night. Her heart fell at the thought, she should go get her cloak and find somewhere to be locked up. She wouldn’t kill another innocent tonight.

Regina had gone down before her to grab food and Ruby had grown impatient. She hadn’t bothered with much more than underwear and an open flannel. There was little point with the house empty and the afternoon they had just shared. Even with her growing dread the thought brought the ghost of a smile to her lips.

Worrying she chewed on a fingernail. She didn’t know what she and Regina were doing and her feelings were tangled up in needing to feel something other than pain which the other woman was more than willing to help with as was proven by the ache between her thighs. It made her happy, and she knew that this is what she had wanted for so long, but she was terrified she would ruin it. Terrified that she had used their precarious relationship to selfishly make herself feel better. Terrified that neither of them were ready for whatever came next. Her heart was pounding in her ears when her feet carried her into the kitchen. Perhaps though it would work out. She wasn’t listening as she made for the coffee pot she could smell brewing, she was lost in the memory of Regina’s arms around her.

She had a coffee mug half full by the time she registered Regina’s voice saying her name and her nose picked up a masculine scent. Her head snapped up and she saw Henry, red faced, looking away, Regina was equally embarrassed. Ruby nearly dropped the coffee pot, only managing to set it down before her hands tugged uselessly at the flannel trying to cover herself. A flush crept up her neck, knowing she had been so engrossed in her thoughts that she had been taken by surprise. Tonight was not the night to let down her guard. Henry’s scent pulled at her senses and she could feel the wolf begin to wake for the evening. Ruby shook her head, stammering an apology.

“Pants?” Regina asked for the second time, nodding at Ruby’s bare legs. Not that she minded the view but she’d rather her thirteen year old son not be enjoying the sight of the woman she was taking to bed every night. 

Ruby closed her eyes for a moment and let out a breath, “Right, I’ll be back.” She fled from the kitchen, one hand over her mouth in embarrassment.

Regina turned back to Henry, neither really knowing how to react. The silence stretched and Regina wondered if she should say something about Ruby, about what they were doing or well, not even not doing anymore because they had. She sighed, pursing her lips as she thought. Until they had a moment to talk things would be well and truly complicated between them.

“It’s not like I haven’t seen her in her underwear before,” Henry offered.

There was a moment where Regina thought about fleeing the kitchen, rather than acknowledge that Henry had now seen Ruby barely dressed not once but twice. She would have to talk To Ruby about her habit of walking around the house with only half her clothes on. “Just don’t mention it to Emma this time. I don’t need any more rumors spreading around town.”

“I won’t.” Henry turned back to his hot chocolate, “Besides I like having Ruby around. She seems happier here.” He paused taking a sip of his drink, “You seem happier.”

Regina raised an eyebrow wondering when he’d started noticing things like this.

“I mean, aside from her wolf being sick. She’s not okay is she?” He looked at his mom earnestly and she realized how much her son was growing up.

“No, but she’s trying.” Regina looked down at the coffee in her hands, glancing at the entryway to the kitchen wondering why Ruby was taking so long. She sighed.

“Are you? Really, actually, happy? We haven’t been working on Operation Mongoose.”

“I don’t know if changing the book will fix my problem.”

“But you deserve a happy ending.”

“If I change the book I change the past. If I change the past I might lose you.” Regina reached out and held Henry’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “I may not have done a lot right,” she looked down and used both hands to hold onto her coffee mug, staring into its depths. “But maybe I could keep trying.”

“You won’t lose me, mom, I’m not going anywhere,” Henry’s voice was bright and she could hear his smile. Regina’s mouth quirked up in a lopsided smile despite her pensive mood. “Maybe you’re already working your way toward happiness.”

Regina nodded, her thoughts with the woman upstairs, “Maybe I am.”

In the silence a small but audible click echoed through the house, an exterior door latching. A wolf’s howl pierced the night.

 

_____________________________________

 

Ruby had thought for a few minutes she could stay, that maybe Regina would be safe around her but she could feel the wolf inside her and was afraid. Henry had shown up and the wolf had woken up. She seemed to have a penchant for accidentally eating young men when she was the wolf and she couldn’t bear to risk his life. Tonight she would run away from the camp where the Merry Men lived, away from where the Lost Boys hid, she would run keeping to the ice wall where no one dared to go.

There was no time to get to Granny’s and get the cloak. There was no time to find Emma and beg to be locked up, again. Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes remembering how she thought she had killed Billy shortly after the first curse was broken and how she had pleaded to be locked up. With the moon on her skin she couldn’t hold off much longer. Willing herself away from the Mills’ house and Henry’s scent she made it almost to the line of forest on the far side of the lawn, past happier memories and the apple tree that smelled vaguely like home. Tears ran down her face.

The wolf came over her and she felt bones and muscle start to shift before everything went black.


	9. Chapter 9

Henry’s only word had been _go_ as the howl reverberated through the night. Regina had asked him to fetch Granny and the cloak but to stay behind in safety as she ran out the back door. Her heart ached knowing that Ruby had run again, that through everything she hadn’t been enough to persuade her to stay. She couldn’t give up just yet, as much as it hurt she knew she needed to try one more time. It was crazy to go after the werewolf alone but she didn’t know if she had a choice. Regina couldn’t sit still listening to her own heart break.

It wasn’t that she didn’t still feel lonely with Ruby around but with Ruby around there were moments where she didn’t. There were moments where she felt at peace realizing that even in the worst of it there was someone who was choosing to be by her side. Now that they had acknowledged their feelings speaking the truth in every way they knew they both felt it, that moment of panic. What if we’ve ruined this, what if this is not what I think it is, _what if…_ The worst two words to ever be strung together. Trying to push past that upsurge of doubt is what had Regina running out of her house bare footed and across the lawn into the woods. One last plea with her heart and with Ruby to not let this go, not yet.

“Ruby!” Regina’s voice echoed through the trees. She heard a rustling and turned to see the yellow eyes of the wolf in the shadows. A low growl reverberated through the empty space between Regina and the wolf. Her breath stilled inside her now that she was face to face with the wolf. The beast was still ragged, but there was an energy to her that hadn’t been there the night before. Maybe if she could get Ruby to understand that even such a small change had an impact on her. On her soul, whatever made her up. The magic inside her was returning, being replenished instead of depleted. She swallowed thickly, uncertain still how much control Ruby had, the magic on the air around the wolf tasted wild. It was thick with magic and the storm that was rolling in. A clap of thunder rumbled in the distance.

Regina stood still as the wolf stalked toward her, its yellow eyes burning holes in her. Slowly she raised her hand, palm up, as if for a dog to sniff, a reminder that she was a friend. “It’s me, it’s Regina,” she breathed out. “Just come back, you don’t need to run.” The wolf growled again snapping its teeth. She jumped as its muzzle closed inches from her hand. Careful to make no sudden movements or noise Regina started walking backwards as slowly as she could. The wolf lifted its nose sniffing at her scent. Regina hoped the wolf recognized it, that it brought Ruby back into control. “Henry is getting your cloak. You just need more time to heal, you’ll be okay,” Perhaps the promise of control would reach her.

In her backwards retreat Regina didn't see the twig before it snapped underneath her heel, digging into bare flesh. In a moment the wolf had knocked her over, teeth barred, a low growl vibrating the air. She had crashed to the ground scraping against a tree and landing in a bush. The wind picked up around them branches scratching at skin and fur. Regina stared up the length of the teeth, the moist warmth of its breath on her face. Her heart pounded. She could feel a trickle of blood on her cheek and her arm stung. Slowly she opened her hand, moving her fingers, at least there was that. Nothing broken.

Her voice shook but she pleaded with Ruby, her Ruby, to come back, she didn’t know how but the night before she had pulled Ruby back early from the shift. Ruby, out of control, was under the influence of the moon, but somehow she had pulled her back into her human form. If only she knew how. There was an old tale that if someone truly loved a werewolf, trusted them completely that person could call them back into human form, could coax them back into themselves. Regina was a little unsure on the exact details of what needed to be said, or what exactly that meant. That if she had called Ruby back on the strongest night of the full moon then without a doubt she loved the girl.

Regina looked up at the wolf realizing she was looking up at the creature she loved. If that was the reason Ruby had shifted back at her feet the night before then she couldn’t separate the wolf from the girl. They were the same. Tears fell as the wolf snapped at her again. The wolf could have killed her at any moment but it didn’t. Instead it pinned her to the ground, keeping her in place. Her heart thudded against her ribs. Reaching up she interlaced her fingers in the fur on the underside of Ruby’s neck. Barely able to whisper she pleaded the girl’s name falling from her lips with the barest of sounds. Her eyes closed as she watched Ruby’s head dip lower bringing her mouth dangerously close to Regina’s neck.

There was a sound of shifting muscle and tendon, bones reforming. A clear goo coated everything, excess energy from the shift. Ruby collapsed on top of Regina, nothing but shorts and a tank top. The moonlight filtered through the trees glinting off their damp skin. Regina let out a breath and wrapped her arms around the taller girl who was breathing heavily with exertion. The shift back into human form so soon draining her of energy.

Ruby could feel the moonlight on her skin, feel its pull, but the woman underneath her had pulled her back again, pulled her back from the blackness that was only just starting to lighten again. She could remember what the wolf had wanted, remembered holding still. She inhaled, scenting the blood on the air. Regina was bleeding, but she was also the one thing keeping Ruby human right now. The only thing keeping her from destroying another life and she smelled like prey. Her breathing shifted from deep breaths to shallow gasps. She couldn’t, but she wanted to. Ruby’s hand on Regina’s arm she could feel the slick blood underneath her fingertips. She moved her hand, trying not to give in, trying not to hyperventilate.

“I- I was -I,” Ruby buried her face against Regina’s shoulder sobbing. “You’re absolutely crazy.” Her fingers wrapped around the edges of the sleeves of Regina’s shirt, her hands balling into fists. She tugged at the fabric, pushing against the other woman’s arms, wanting to fight, but not having the energy. She couldn’t even lift her head from Regina’s chest to look at her The wolf’s desire to devour still rode through her, turning her senses on edge and tinging her thoughts red.

“I need you to lock me up,” Ruby pleaded speaking against Regina’s shoulder.

“I’m not–“ Regina pushed Ruby up to look her in the eye but the younger woman wouldn’t lift her gaze.

“Go get my cloak. Get Emma to throw me in jail. Whatever it takes.” She sounded pained and hollow.

“Ruby, I–“

“Please.”

The please undid her and she nodded, “Okay. But I trust you. Henry went for Granny and your cloak. We should have thought of it sooner.” 

Ruby steadied herself with one hand against the ground, and looked down at Regina. Studied the creased brow and wondering gaze that she was met with. The worry etched there. She wiped a line of blood and other fluids from Regina’s cheek, and let out a long ragged breath, resisting the urge to taste it, to lick the woman clean. Her eyes melted to yellow.

“Ruby?” 

“Sorry,” she said, scurrying backwards and off of Regina. Ruby hugged her knees to her chest, burying her face in them. Without touching Regina the moon pulled at her stronger. Her body longed to be the wolf but she fought it with every bit of energy she had left. Without Regina’s touch she felt like she would lose. Warily she risked another look at the woman who had pulled her back into her human form not once, but twice with only her voice. The shorter woman stood and offered her a hand. Tentatively Ruby took it staring at the pulse point on Regina’s wrist. “You smell like food, especially with the,” Ruby gestured to the cuts. Regina nodded and interlaced her finger’s with Ruby’s. A gesture of trust. Even that little touch grounded her a little bit more in human form. She didn’t know if it would be enough.

“I should go,” Ruby looked down at their hands. “I don’t want to do something I’d regret.” She started to pull away but Regina’s grip tightened. 

The smaller woman knew that no matter how tightly she held on Ruby was stronger than her and could leave if she wanted to, but she hoped the gesture would be enough to give the other woman pause. Her throat felt tight, she wasn’t sure where they would go from here. She could tell Ruby was afraid she would hurt Regina, but Regina didn’t believe that would happen. The thought of letting her go made it hard to breath. She wanted to be angry, to make Ruby stay. Make her understand, but she’d learned enough from her past choices to know that it wouldn’t end well if she forced the werewolf to do anything she didn’t want. Regina knew how to wield her anger, knew how to form it into use and action. Her gaze flitted from their clasped hands to the ground. Pain and fear were things she hadn’t let herself experience for such a long time. She wasn’t good with them yet. Her mouth felt dry as she tried to speak, “I can’t watch you leave again.” The words felt selfish but the thought hurt too much. Regina let her grip ease, barely holding on to Ruby’s hand. Trying to let Ruby know it was still her choice.

The words cut through Ruby and she let out a muffled cry her hand flying to cover her mouth as she tried to hold it together. She was torn between running to save Regina and staying to save them. Her knees buckled and she fell to the ground, crying. This wasn’t how she wanted to be. Nothing had ever pained her like this. She had never felt so lost, she was a force to be reckoned with, or should be. Passionate, powerful, loyal, fierce, she felt none of those things that she knew herself to be. That afternoon had been the first time she had felt herself in a long time. Regina’s arms around her were the only thing that made sense. Without them her mind was a swirling bleakness that engulfed any hope she held onto.

“I don’t _want_ to leave. The only place I feel normal, feel whole, is in your arms.” She rubbed the pad of her thumb along the side of Regina’s hand, unsure of what she should do but thankful for the contact.

“Ruby, look at me.” Regina tilted the taller girl’s chin up with a finger, “Then don’t leave. We’ll find a way to help you.” Her hand cupped Ruby’s cheek, “Please trust me when I say that, and please don’t run away again. I can’t help you if you aren’t here.” Regina breathed out unsteadily. If Ruby took off now she didn’t know if she could deal with it, she didn’t know if she had it in her to keep pulling her back in every time she felt the need to run away. Ruby was a flight risk right now, but Regina couldn’t have the werewolf be a flight risk from her. She felt Ruby nuzzle her cheek into her hand and she felt her body relax a little. The younger woman nodded.

“Okay,” Ruby wasn’t sure what they would do, but if Granny was on her way with the cloak, maybe she could keep everyone else safe. She shuddered thinking about how the wolf wanted blood and meat and it didn’t care who it took it from. Ruby didn’t want to run but she was afraid. Afraid to stay, afraid to go, afraid of herself and of what she might do. She didn’t know if she’d ever be herself again. “Regina, I’m sorry.”

Pushing forward on her knees Regina kissed Ruby, her hand slipping to tangle in the hair at the nape of the other girl’s neck holding her close, ignoring the mess they were covered in from the shift. She tried to pour in all the reasons the other woman didn’t need to apologize into the kiss, knowing it might not be enough and that Ruby might still run. The taller girl leaned into her wrapping her arms around Regina’s waist. At least they were a mess together.

They were so intent on each other they didn't hear the approaching footsteps, “I see you two didn’t make it very far.” Granny stopped a few paces from the two women Ruby’s red cloak folded in her hands. “Though it looks like I’m interrupting. Henry said you wanted this,” she held out the cloak. 

Ruby sat back on her heels looking up at her Grandmother tears in her eyes and Regina reached out for the offering. Carefully she unfolded the cloak and wrapped it around Ruby’s shoulders. She looked up tight lipped nodding her thanks to the older werewolf. “Let’s get you back inside and cleaned up.” Regina stood pulling Ruby with her.


	10. Epilogue

The winter sun was high up in the sky and Ruby was curled up underneath the apple tree in Regina’s backyard. Her cloak was fastened around her shoulders and she had it tucked up underneath her to keep from sitting on the frozen ground. It had been a month. A month since she had been well enough to shift again. A month since she had lost control and killed one of the lost boys. A month since she had moved her things to a spare room in Regina’s house on Mifflin Street.

Granny hadn’t asked any questions when she packed up the rest of her things just helped her carry the boxes to her car. When Ruby asked for some time off she hugged her and told her she expected her back before too long, she couldn’t expect to hand over the diner to someone who wasn’t around. Ruby had only nodded and said she would see. It was the best she could promise then.

Ruby squinted up at the thin winter sun and leaned back against the tree. The bark was rough on her back and uncomfortable but it felt real, and the realness reminded her that she was still alive, still capable of feeling. Maybe even capable of healing. Tonight they would see if she was any better, if her wolf was no longer wild and rabid. Ruby had her doubts. Regina was certain that she had made progress.

The air was cold, it felt like breathing ice, but Ruby didn't mind. Anymore she would take any feeling over feeling numb again. The days where she felt numb were the ones where she felt like she was losing herself all over again, as if nothing had happened in between when the walls broke down and that moment. So now, even on a day where everything hurt, she felt a tiny well of hope springing up from behind her tears. She wasn’t whole but maybe one day.

She had hollowed herself out just to stay alive, leaving only a fragile outer shell. She had allowed her essence to be consumed, the things that made her Ruby melted down into facsimiles of the real thing. And it was so much more than just metaphor. Her wolf, the magic that made her possible, had been drained of energy, essentially starved. Had Regina not broken down the walls she had built up- she pushed the thought away, even though she knew she needed to acknowledge it, deal with what it meant.

Ruby breathed in sharply and the air stung her nostrils. She shook her head trying to clear out the feeling of inhaling ice. And the thought came back unbidden. Died. She would have died. She would have let herself waste away to nothing, believing herself a monster beyond saving.

The tears felt warm on her cold cheeks.

Her heart felt heavy, with sadness, with fear, but also with hope. It was heavier than it used to be, she was wary of it. Afraid that if she looked at it too hard it would crumble, too fragile to exist next to someone so destructive and volatile. Her fingers worried at the edge of her cloak, rubbing the thick material back and forth over itself. If her hope shattered she was afraid she would lose herself again.

Tonight would be the test, the proof of it, that she wasn’t too far gone, that maybe she could save herself. Ruby shook her head. That wasn’t quite right, it was Regina who had saved her, been endlessly patient, held her together when she wasn’t all together there, reminded her who she was. Though she would never again be who she had been. This past year will have forever changed her. Ruby wasn’t entirely sure she would want to be who she had been anymore. Turning back time never worked out well.

The afternoon was stretching on, the sun dipping beneath the tops of the trees and the already cool air grew cold. Ruby didn’t know how long she had been sitting outside, ignoring the warmth and kinship inside. Emma and Henry were over for a family afternoon and dinner and she hadn’t had it in her to keep smiling, pretending she was okay today, not when there was a gnawing knot of worry pitted in her stomach. She knew she should eat but she didn’t trust her normally iron stomach to keep anything down. At breakfast she had only sipped at coffee.

The back door creaked open and Ruby could smell lavender on the breeze. Regina. She closed her eyes and sighed, not yet sure how she felt about the idea of company. Even if it was Regina. Some days she just wanted to be alone, but sometimes she knew that it wasn't what she needed. Ruby made to move, to sit up, adjust the cloak so she could share it with Regina, but every muscle protested, cramped with cold.

“Are you coming back in before sundown?” Regina’s voice was soft but Ruby knew it wasn’t so much a question as a request.

Her footsteps drew nearer and Ruby turned her head to look up at Regina. She gave her half a smile, sad, but happy to see her. Reaching a hand out from under the cloak she pulled Regina down to sit with her in it to try to ward of the cold.

“Yes, but sit with me a moment. I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that,” Ruby nodded toward the house and the muffled cries of Emma and Henry playing Mario Kart. 

She intertwined her fingers with Regina’s and lay her head on her knee, her face toward the other woman, watching her as she thought. Regina pressed into her side, feeding her warmth, the line between them warmer than either of them. Just as it had been that first night.

“You’re freezing. You should have come in sooner.”

“I needed to clear my head.”

“Did you?” Regina mirrored Ruby’s pose, pulling in her knees and resting her cheek against them. 

Ruby bit her lip and shrugged, “I’m not sure.”

Regina nodded and brought Ruby’s fingers to her lips, pressing a gentle kiss there before blowing gently to warm them. All the while she watched Ruby, studying her face and meeting her gaze. She drew slow circles on the back of her hand. The sun dipped lower in the sky and the first tinge of color started to bleed from the horizon. Regina took both of Ruby’s hands and pulled her to standing. Turning she interlaced their fingers and walked them to the house. She shut the door and turned to Ruby, reaching out to help her with the cloak.

“I don’t know if I figured anything out, but maybe that’s okay.”

Regina paused and raised an eyebrow in question.

“I’m afraid that I’m not getting any better but I can’t let that give me cause to give up. I can’t lose any of this,” Ruby said, squeezing Regina’s hand. She gave a small smile, the bubble of hope welling up inside her, piercing her heart, sharp like the first drop of warmth after being out in the cold for too long.

Regina pushed the cloak off Ruby’s shoulders and wrapped her arms around them in its place. She leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her lips. Their breath mingled, warm, melting the cold that still clung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who left kudos and comments and shared this. It was a wild ride. Thank you for sticking with me as I broke your hearts and Ruby's and Regina's. I did try to put them back together again.


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